Truth or Lies, You Decide!

Emotional honesty is something we were never taught as children. Which is odd because it was utterly drummed into us not to lie. However, how many times do we say we’re ‘ok’ when we’re not, let something slide which really bothered us, or stay silent about a perceived mistreatment? I’ll tell you, LOTS! If we actually counted, like really, really counted in a day how many times we did this we would be shocked at the results. From casual encounters where someone asks ‘how are you’ to deeper emotional dishonesty, we hide, cover, lie about or even don’t acknowledge how we feel much of the time. It’s easy to do this because unless we were raised in highly emotionally evolved family, we rarely have the tools or the language to unpack or even label our emotions.

Current emotional word bank: healed, conscious, aware, instinctual, discerning, hopeful.

Not recognising or acknowledging our emotional state does one thing for our self-worth- it lowers it -and this is dangerous. Fearing rejection, we often lie about our emotions and intentions- even to ourselves. However you look at it, emotional dishonesty tears away at the value we give to ourselves, sometimes in massive chunks and sometimes so little and constant that we almost don’t even know it’s happening!

Emotional honesty is two-fold: being able to recognise how we feel, and being able to acknowledge it to ourselves and to others. On the surface, it seems like as easy thing, to identify an emotion. Contrarily, it is quite a daunting task! Emotional honesty involves cultivating a range of skills, the first of which is manifesting courage! Why courage? Because emotions can be scary! Acknowledging an emotion can have big impacts on our lives and it is courageous to live in a space where you acknowledge to yourself what you are really feeling about a situation and then- and this really takes the cake- having the courage to acknowledge it to others and deal with the consequences.

Let's face it, if you're not being emotionally honest, you're being an emotional liar! And those who don't tell the truth are always busted in one way or another. Does respect follow when someone has been caught out? No. The opposite occurs. When we find someone has been lying, we judge them to be weak, shallow, selfish and pathetic. And we are no kinder in our judgements when we lie to ourselves.

It's best to live in your truth and face any consequences head on because lies, to another or to yourself, always catch up with you and you end up living a lesser life.

How I hear you ask? Take this fairly common example; it’s Girl’s birthday and Boy forgets Girl’s birthday. Because Girl feels insecure in herself and in the relationship, she doesn’t say anything to Boy. Instead, Girl hides her real feelings about him forgetting her birthday from him. Because Girl is insecure in herself, she rationalises Boy’s behavior and even takes some of the blame onto herself. “He’s been really busy…I probably didn’t mention it enough…etc.” Girl doesn’t mention how she feels because she has an underlying low self-worth and fears his rejection. Because Girl doesn’t mention how she feels to Boy, fear, resentment, and anger arrive.

Fear, frustration, resentment, guilt and anger are all bred from an experience (s) where emotional dishonesty has taken place. These are nasty emotions, and unlike happiness and joy, they rarely just pass by fleetingly. They hang around and they multiply. Think of them as the non-biodegradable emotions. Like plastic in landfill, these emotions continue to build up and generally burst forth at a most inopportune time! If they aren’t acknowledged and dealt with at the time they arise, they continue to fester and have vast consequences on the person unwittingly harboring the emotions, and the people with whom they are in relationship.

No matter how beautiful the view, if things are built on emotional dishonesty, they crumble fast and crumble ugly.

Think back to your own experience. Have you let ‘things slide’ with someone until one day, they might commit the smallest of misdemeanors which leads you to ‘fly off the handle’? Let’s just say someone left the toilet seat up, or a cupboard door open, or forgot to fill the car with petrol. On their own, these are not grave crimes, but usually these small acts are the trigger for a deeper reaction when things have been let slide and un-addressed negative emotions have built up. These emotions may not have even been building up towards that person!  It’s like all of a sudden, someone has set the pile of non-biodegradable emotions on fire and the sparks really start flying.

Usually, the level of the meltdown is proportionate to the amount of time and emotions that have been ignored. This is why you might sometimes hear people say, “if I start crying, I’ll never stop.” Or why one incident can incite in a person pain, grief and angst that occurred months, years and even decades before. We are extremely skilled at silencing, hiding and ignoring our emotions. We even have a language for this behavior, ironically termed ‘coping mechanisms.’  A more apt name would be ‘not-coping mechanisms’ and many counselors and psychologists make their living from people with these unresolved emotional issues. The more skilled we are at using our ‘not-coping mechanisms’, the harder it can be to ‘unlearn’ these patterns of behavior and tap into our emotions.

To live in a space of emotional honesty, we have to be very grounded and comfortable within ourselves. When we are honest with others, we open ourselves to potential hurt in the form of rejection. This is where courage comes in. We have to know and stand in and hold onto our truth. As a general rule, our society is trained to avoid confrontation and being emotionally honest is akin to confrontation in many instances. When are being emotionally honest with someone, we need to approach the situation from a stance of mutual respect and knowing we deserve to have our needs if not met, then at least acknowledged. For if this is done with aggression, the person on the receiving end will immediately recognise the situation as a confrontation and either become angry and defensive or retreat.

The simple fact is, we reap what we sow. If we are honest with ourselves and we are honest with others, we are sowing seeds that are borne from our own integrity. These seeds grow into the fruit of our lives that we want to partake in because they will reflect who we are, what we need and will include others who are on the same journey. Fruit borne from lies, ignorance, not-coping mechanisms and insecurity does not taste good and isn't nourishing or fulfulling in any real way!

Emotional honesty isn’t easy. It’s not always met by others with equal enthusiasm and it may indeed result in you having to have the balls to cull certain people from your world. But, no matter what storm is caused by you living your emotional honesty and standing in your integrity, know that you are worth it, your relationships are worth it and it really is the only way to achieve true happiness.

Until next we speak, butterfly kisses,

Wyld. X