The Bitch Code

The concept of the ‘bitch’ is not new to anyone. The term ‘bitch’ can be applied with such a wild variety of adjectives, it really could exist as the primary insult and our vocabulary wouldn’t be lacking!

And the Bitch of the Year award goes to....

I am certain I have used the gamut of these terms at one time or another to describe various people who have come into my life and for whatever reasons they have plucked from their vicious little hearts, decided to shit all over it. And, if you are reading this under the age of 20, I am sorry to burst your bubble, but bitches come in all ages, shapes and sizes and, contrary to what your mother told you, are not confined to High School. However, the benefit of age is that you can become more adept at spotting a bitch before she has the opportunity to turn rancid.

When I use the term ‘bitch’ I am referring to someone who makes you want to pull a face like you've been sucking on lemons while licking sandpaper when you leave their company. Someone who has the ability to rip out your guts, tie it knots and put it back without spilling a drop of blood for anyone else to see. Someone who glows in the triumph of tearing someone else down. Someone who is so marinated in damage that they cause it wherever they go. A key ingredient to the bitch code is that the less personal insight she has, the bigger bitch she is guaranteed to be. In short, a bitch is a deeply unhappy soul. The wider a bitch opens her mouth, the bigger the hole in her heart is.
 

And please allow me to clarify, I am not saying that men cannot be equally nasty or bitchy. My focus is on women here because I believe in the powerful connection that exists in quality female friendships and the devastation that their betrayal can cause. While I have had some genuinely awesome male friends in my time, I have never connected with them as deeply as I have with my female friends. Apart from, obviously, the man I married.

Female friendships can be immensely powerful.

Unfortunately, like many of you gorgeous friends and readers, I have had my fair share of bitches come into my life. And on every ‘the bitch strikes’ occasion I have struggled to understand their behaviour, unpack their motives, looked for my role in the situation and generally felt miserable.

But here is what I have learned and pay attention, it will save you needless heartache: bitches believe (consciously or otherwise) that your happiness takes away from their own. They are the type of people who see happiness and joy as a bank account, and if you are making a withdrawal, you are removing the amount of happiness and joy from the universe that they can access and they will try to punish you for it.

Bitches have ‘empty’ parts in them that cannot be sated through normal life. The unhappiness runs too deeply. When a profound joy occurs to another, it has the ability to scratch some very raw parts within a bitch. Without them even being aware that it is happening, the emotional arousal can tap into damage and unhappiness that may have been hidden for years, even a whole lifetime.

There is nothing like an emotional event to bring out the best and the worst in the people around you. Events like weddings and funerals, and those of similar magnitude, just have the power to bring out an inner bitch in even the most unbitchiest of people, just by scratching at unhappiness, damage and resentment. 

When a bitch befalls your path,there is no need to waste time feeling guilty, analysing your behaviour, their motives and dissecting the possible reasons why she could possibly have behaved like such a schmuck. Just accept that the woman is deeply unhappy about her life is and has found ways to punish you for yours.

Now, everyone has the capacity to feel emotionally triggered in some way through other people’s good fortune. However, the emotionally enlightened among us may recognise when this is occurring, back off, sit down and sort it out without damaging anyone in the process. However, the bitch, due her lack of ability or willingness to utilise personal insight (usually through an unconscious fear of the depth of ugliness she will find), has the capacity to go out in a blaze of total catastrophe, bringing darkness, mess and nastiness to those around her.

Dealing with bitches is really simple. Their actions can stir up in you a range of emotions like guilt, sadness, anger, disillusionment, a deep need to want to ‘fix’ things or ‘clear’ your name, especially if the bitch has dragged others into the drama she created. You may desire to feel 'heard' and 'understood' by the bitch and perhaps even salvage the friendship. But the truth of it is, anything you do plays right into her drama and continues it. Just bow out. Silently and with dignity. If others have been dragged in by the bitch, let her actions tell them who she really is. You don’t need to. In these instances, all you need to do is try not to let her actions take root in your world and cause misery and destruction. 

My mother used to tell me "if you lie down with dogs, you get flees" and never is that been more true than in a situation where a bitch is involved. The simple truth of the bitch code is, don't fight dirty and you'll walk away clean.

Til next time,
Wyld. x

If I'd had a Fairy-God-Mother as a teen, this is what she would have said...

The stresses and challenges that come with teenage-dom are pretty massive. Trying to establiash an identity, find a path in life, sort out friendship issues, manage parents...It’s no secret that being a teenager is no easy feat. So, how do you get through this age with as much sass and class as possible? Here’s a few tips which are all things I wish someone had told me!

Before I delve into that though, let me just share that my teenage years were no picnic. But, as Bette Midler once said, if I had known as a child that my differences would become assets, my life would have been much easier!

If I could return, as my own Fair-God-Mother to my 13 year old self, this is the wisdom I would impart...

Tip One: You never earn the respect of others by losing your own self respect.

Seriously. Just don’t do it! The best thing you can ever spend your time on is working out what is important to you. And then live by it. If I had a dollar for every girlfriend of mine who had sex with someone, smoked, drank or drugged, or did some other thing to fit in with a group, keep a boyfriend or try to impress someone, I’d be filthy rich! Bottom line is, you have to go to bed at night with your choices. No one else does. And while other people get over or forget stuff, it’s much harder to earn your own self-respect back. This leads me perfectly to tip two….

Tip Two: The word ‘ex’ is in ‘sex’.

Anyone who pressures you to do things you aren’t ready for is not showing you any care or respect and is certainly not worthy of your time, let alone your body! Take time in making choices concerning your body because once you do something, you can’t undo it. And boys don’t stick around just because you might put out. In fact, the opposite is true. While boys might play with the girl who puts out, the one they are going to take home, take to the school formal or want to be with, is the girl who demonstrates her own self-respect. It’s important to be informed and above all else, make sure you are making choices to please yourself, not anyone else and especially not some guy whose name you won’t remember when you’re a successful, gorgeous twenty-something.

You teach others how to treat you by how you treat yourself.

Tip Three:  Popularity at school means nothing in the real world.

Trust me, those girls and guys who never had to work at anything harder than coming up with a new insult or a new way to put someone down will amount to nothing. Wait til you look at the facebook pages of the bitches you went to school with when you’re my age! You’ll laugh yourself stupid for a night, then you’ll start to feel sorry for the way their lives turned out!

Whatever group you are in, or not in, don’t worry about it! As adults it really and truly won’t matter and as long as you abide by rule number one, and always respect yourself, who gives a toss what anyone at school might say about you. Because while you’re busy developing your talents, your wit and your exuberance that will make you completely POP as a young adult, those who may endeavor to make your life hell now will wither away into oblivion when their gaggle of wankers isn’t around on a daily basis to stroke their egos.

Tip Four: You always have the right to choose for yourself.

While we are growing up, and indeed throughout our lives, we are given messages about who we are. We are labeled, continuously. Smart, dumb, arty, muso, pretty, messy, funny, etc. The lists are endless. But people can be WRONG! Just because someone else knows you to be a certain way doesn’t meant they are right. My own mother was convinced I was developmentally challenged until my final year of high school. She even asked my principal if he had made a typo when she saw that I had graduated with Distinction. People get stuff wrong-all the time-and you always have the right to choose for yourself and reinvent yourself. Let them say what they want. Get rid of the labels of others and decide for yourself who you are and what you will be.  And finally…

Tip Five: There is no relationship as important as the one you develop with yourself.

Every moment of every day for the rest of your life there is one person who will be right there, through every last second. YOU! How you feel about and relate to yourself is the key ingredient to either a happy or a miserable life. You are the one person you’ll never ever escape from. You can get married or move to another country but guess what? You still go to bed with you every night. Low self-esteem stems from low-self-respect and low self-respect comes from choosing things that do not show that you value yourself.

So today, right now, whatever you think about yourself (too fat, too smart, too pimply, too talented, whatever), start by acknowledging that from now on you are going to be your best friend. You are going to stand by your choices and not berate yourself. You are going to stand up for yourself and do what you know to be right. You are going to love and accept your body the way it is. If you get this relationship right, I promise you, every moment of every day is easier. Self-loathing takes energy and sucks the life out of everything you do. It is so much cooler to turn the loathing energy into loving energy, and do something awesome for yourself! The world is a hard enough place, so give yourself a break and just be on your own side!

I love me. I love me lots. I trust me, I trust me lots. I respect me. I respect me lots.

Until next we speak, butterfly kisses,
Wyld. x

What's in a Happiness Cocktail?

The journey to ones ‘inner being’ or ‘authentic self’ is a quest I believe most of us are on at some stage, if not all of our lives. This journey is so popular that you can take just about any route you like to get there! In fact, most things we do in this life are in the pursuit of happiness. It’s a big business these days and people go to many different lengths on their journey. Some backpack across the globe, others meditate in ashrams, some devote themselves to missionary work, some join cults, some engage in deep rituals and religious/spiritual work. Others take a less strenuous journey via clothing stores, beauty parlors and cute cocktail bars on a Friday night. Whatever the journey, we all crave the same destination. To find a place within ourselves where we feel still. At peace. Where we know what we want and how to get there and our life just makes sense.

A common Friday night plan with the girls, to find 'inner peace' at the bottom of a bottle of Champers!

I am glad I am not in front of you so you can’t punch me when I shatter your illusion, but it’s not going to happen. Sorry! Not if you’re as pathological as I am! No one I know has found Nirvana! No one I have ever heard of wakes up and faces the day without mini demons in their heads or issues to face. Oprah, for God’s sake, still has her own issues regardless of the fabulousness she has brought into the lives of bazillions of people! Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat Pray Love) will still face her issues and I bet her head is not a bed of bloody roses every day!

That place in us in fleeting. That feeling is fleeting! Because there is always another man, another job and other friend, another option that will throw what we thought we knew into chaos. So I am here to ask you (nicely and without violence) to forget this idea of mental utopia. To thank it for its stay in your mind, kiss it goodbye, and let it go. I have something better for you….I promise! It just asks you to look at things in a new way!

 If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrariwise, what it is, it wouldn't be, and what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? Alice in Wonderland

Feces is going to happen! It just is. You can’t control it and frankly, life wouldn’t be any fun without it!  It’s what challenges us, helps us grow, helps us mould who we are and who we want to be. It shows us we still have ‘stuff’ to deal with. It gives us opportunity to blossom, as ungraceful, inconvenient and downright nasty it might seem at the time.

If we’re all lucky, we will grow old, but the safest thing you bet on is that feces will happen along the way. People can get fired, have car accidents, go bankrupt, get robbed, get beaten, get raped, get stalked, get a mental illness, lose physical capacity, get cancer, get divorced, lose a child, lose a friend and any number of other things you can possibly think of. These things can happen to you and many have probably already affected you or the people you know!

The irony is, the majority of us walk around with an ‘it won’t happen to me’ attitude. We think this protects us somehow, and yet the opposite is true. An intense gratitude springs forth when we accept that any moment our number could be up. It sounds morbid and that is not my intention. More a recognition that tomorrow might never be, or at least not in the way that today is. In the course of twenty-four hours, anything can happen.

I heard an R&B song once and this line has always stuck with me: you can plan a pretty picnic but you can’t predict the weather. I love it! It reminds me that we can make plans, set goals, be so organized even the most anally retentive among us relax, but the truth is, these are just illusions of control. Yes, they can lessen the possibility that things will go wrong, but random catastrophe can never be mitigated.

In our society, we have been mis-wired to believe that a normal life is one without drama, chaos, sadness. We are taught that feeling pain, in any form, is not normal. This is confirmed throughout popular culture where we are bombarded with product marketing, mainly for painkillers and antidepressants, which promises to ease our pain and return us to a ‘good life’ and get on with things.

Is it time for my medication, or yours?

Expecting that life is supposed to feel good, all of the time, is like saying to the world, “my favourite colours are red and yellow and I demand to only see these colours and no others.” Will it happen? No way! And would we really want it to? If we were to walk in to an art gallery and see plain canvases in just those colours we like, we would find it hard to see the ‘art’ in them.

Not to go all cliché’ on you, but our own life really is a work of art. It is in how we put together the elements that exist in our lives that we are given the opportunity to create something beautiful. However unlike actual art, where artists choose the elements they want to work with, often we just have to go with the flow and create something out of what life throws at us. This is where the heart of the ‘art’ lies.

We do not have to like every colour in life’s rainbow, but they all exist and all show up at different times. It is how we respond to them and use them that matters. This is why we question life and foster new ways of doing things, we are expanding our artist toolkit and learning new techniques to make our life-art more beautiful and satisfying.

A deep sense of peace is only contracted when we accept that our life journey was never meant to be perfect. This peace is not constant (unless you’re a saint), it won’t make us overflow with joy, but it is pervasive. The origin of deep happiness is to accept that we will stuff up, life will not always take us where we want to go and we have to generally accept challenges and hiccups as part and parcel of being alive!

We will do things that make us want to bang our heads and yell, “bugger! Did I really just do that-again?” We will let ourselves down sometimes. We will experience amazing joy sometimes. We will lose things and people and have experiences we wish we didn’t. We will fall in love, get sick, gain weight, get bad haircuts, have fashion faux-pas, fight with people and have bad days or weeks. But it is how we choose to deal with these things and synthesize them into our lives that creates a life worth living- an authentic life! Are we going to go into every negative situation screaming and kicking? Or shall we strap on our sense of humour and a hard hat and hope for the best.

 

The awesome news is that life is cyclical, like the seasons, and the law of nature dictates that nothing stays the same-it’s all part of the journey! So if you’re in a ‘good’ season or a ‘bad’ one, know it won’t stay that way for too long. If people are dropping from your life, let them. It's winter and the dead leaves fall to make room for spring. If new things are blossoming in your life, don't be afraid. Welcome them! The intense time of change will be followed by a settling period. All will be fine. If things are static right now, they won't be for long! Hold on to your hat, change is coming! If things are just dandy at the moment, relish it! This too, will pass!

 

There is an additional secret to happiness that took me 32 years to realise. I want you to think of fostering happiness in your world like mixing a little cocktail… If you mix in what I am about to tell you with a good dash of accepting that life is full of surprises and not all of them are good, you will find yourself smiling most of the time! And here it is: no-one is watching you and there are no mistakes! There are just choices! Some work out-yippee! Others don't- oh well! Living is like driving in a new city without a GPS. We are constantly working from our internal compass and trying new roads. Some lead us to where we want to go and others don't. But in going down the roads that don't give us what we want, we learn what we do want!

 

If you think of it that way, it’s easy to see that there just cannot be mistakes! It’s all just a journey and every single step brings you closer to the life you want even if it doesn’t feel that way at the time. So live loud, live proud and for God’s sake do not apologise or berate yourself for trying a new road, even if it doesn’t take you where you hoped it would! That’s courage, that’s living a rich life and you should be chuffed with your balls to give things a go in the first place!

What results is an authentic life generated from integrity, humility and resilience. Integrity is born from a commitment to synthesize the elements that life gives us the best we way can. Humility is born from knowing that- although there are no mistakes- things will occur in our lives which challenge us and may bring out darker sides of our soul. Resilience is born from the ability to get up, brush ourselves off and get back on the horse. And I don’t know about you, but I would rather spend my life trying to get back on the horse than just lay down under it where I could be trampled to death!

What it boils down to is that the core ingredient of the happiness cocktail is acceptance. If you accept life and know that faeces will just happen sometimes, if you accept yourself and all the stages of growth and change you find yourself in along the way and remember that there are absolutely no mistakes, just avenues you won’t necessarily try again, you have the perfect cocktail to live by. And, if perchance you happen upon somebody who dons the dreaded ‘Cap of Condemnation and Judgment’, you are under no obligation to drink from the cocktail of guilt and shame they may be trying to ram down your throat. Just smile sweetly and say: “what you view as a mistake, I see as the perfect opportunity to learn what I do not want in my world. But I do think it’s just awesome the way you have my life figured out. I wonder if yours needs any attention?” and go about your day.

Until next we speak, butterfly kisses

Wyld.x

Relationship Propriety: A Wolf-Mother's Guide to Protecting Your Den.

When one becomes two it is certain that some of the choices we made when we were single have to change. After all, our choices do not only impact our own lives anymore, but the life and emotions of our partner and our union as a whole. A very essential change is the relationships we have with members of the opposite sex. This is what I like to call “relationship propriety.”

"I choose you!"
Image from Wolf Kingdom.

Relationship propriety encapsulates many elements. These include reasons why people may feel the need to cheat or keep inappropriate 'friends' nearby, the characteristics of predatory men and women, the question 'can men and women really be friends', honing ones intuitive skills to sense danger and knowing how to act if you do. Together these elemnts enter a relationship at varying times and it is important to safeguard against their effects by making choices together, from the outset of your relationship, to define your boundaries and decide what is right for you.

In my twenties my closest two friends were male and when they launched serious relationships, the playing field of our friendship changed. There was no hanging out alone with my mates. I didn't understand why this was at the time and felt hurt. In fact, I hardly saw them anymore and thought they had 'sold out' or were 'under the thumb.'

However maturity has lead me to understand that they were demonstrating relationship propriety. I heard a quote the other day that said a real man doesn’t make his girl jealous of other women, but makes other women jealous of his girl. This is what these men were doing: making their girlfriend the primary woman in their lives. It wasn’t that they didn’t like me anymore, or that I didn’t count, but it was that the women they loved counted more. It was their feelings they wanted to protect and their relationship they wanted to nurture. May I mention both men are still very happily with their partners, one married and the other engaged.

While the inherent nature of men and women differs, people are pack animals, much like wolves and each gender has a desire to protect their den.  There are many spiritual and ancient archetypes that are built on this premise, like the wolf-mother or wolf-father archetype. Historically, men will protect it from physical danger and women will protect it from emotional danger.

We have seen these archetypes in popular culture throughout the centuries. The handsome prince protects the fair maiden from danger. The fair maiden battles the will of another woman to finally get her man. The interesting thing to note here is, two women do not necessarily battle for love. One may indeed be protecting or fighting for the man she loves, while the other can have cruel and evil intentions. In the Little Mermaid, the woman-battle was for power, in Snow White it was to prove who the most attractive woman was and in Cinderella, ego was also at play with the step sister eager to forge a life for herself that involved stature but not love. But unfortunately, these archetypes do not only belong in ancient stories or fairy tales, there are some predatory men and women that will pose a threat to an otherwise happy and content den.

This is precisely why men and women have instincts that sense that danger is approaching their den. Men can detect just as well in their partner’s male friends, as women can detect in their partner’s female friends. If your instincts start tingling, you need to listen because the wolf-mother or wolf-father in you is calling you to pay attention. This person is predatory and signals danger.

A predatory person embodies characteristics that, if your intuition is well tuned, will make your skin crawl. The kind of person I am referring to is generally of the damaged variety. The kind that suffers low self esteem, engages is behaviours that are destructive to themselves and to others. The kind that has participated in adultery or invaded a marriage or solid relationship through actively pursuing a person in it. This person demonstrates that they have no regard for the sacred nature of marriage, or the vows of the people in it. A person who embodies these types of characteristics will have no qualms invading your relationship or pushing the boundaries on an occasion when they are bored, lonely, having a low-self-esteem day or just for the sport of it.

And be prepared, this kind of person also possesses rat-cunning and can whip out a range of manipulative tools at the drop of hat to get what he or she wants, particularly in a naive or unsuspecting partner! This person may attempt to make the partner of the person he/she wants looks bad through derogatory or subtle comments. They may also try things that make them appear as ‘nice and friendly’ by trying to befriend the partner, working under the adage of keeping their friends close but enemies closer. This type of person may resurface in your partners life soon after a significant event in your own union, such as engagement or moving in together. In this way, he or she is still maintaining a presence and exerting a form of control. This type of person may also use friends-of-friends to get to you or your partner.

Querying your partner’s ‘friendship’ if you instincts do tingle is not a controlling thing nor is it a jealous thing, as I have heard some people call it. These people are un-evolved and do not understand that the basic tenant of being in a relationship means that the man or woman you choose becomes your primary interest and priority. If you ask your partner and get the old ‘stop being jealous’ routine, be aware that this is often used by people who do not want to examine their own behavior or the effect that it has on you. Far from jealous or controlling, enquiring about someone who makes your skin crawl is wisdom. Wisdom borne from wanting to protect what you have and from knowing that someone who behaves in a morally compromised way in their lives may turn their morally compromised heads towards your partner.

The best of rule of thumb, if you’re really serious about your relationship, is do not drag past ones into it! If you’ve slept with it in the past, leave it there! It doesn’t matter if there was a ‘friendship’ or whatever you want to call it. In life, our choices catch up with us and if we have found the man or woman of our dreams, why would we want to run any risk of ruining it? In these cases, we can’t have it both ways. We can’t engage in an activity that hurts our partners and then say “I love you.” There is no room to willingly cause hurt when there is real love. 

In addition, it’s just manners! Who wants to be sitting across the table at brunch with your partner’s sexual history sitting across from you?  Or someone who wants to see them naked in the future? Or worse, on your wedding day or a special celebration like an engagement or birthday party? And any partner who would put you through that is not worth it!

A woman knows that when a man has seen a woman naked, that is what he will continue to see long after her clothes are back on. Similarly, if either the partner or the friend experienced unrequited love for the other, that equally signals danger because those feelings may linger and be triggered into action at any time. And while, in general, a man may able to keep sex a physical thing, women cannot. Yes I realise this is a big statement, but I stand by it 100%. For women, sex is never just sex. Therefore, it is likely that when the friend of the partner in question was a previous lover your intuition is more likely to tingle. And, just a tip, statements like, “it only lasted four months and was just for fun,” do nothing to help your situation.

An important thing to note here is that some people who suffer low self esteem keep men or women nearby to give them a ‘boost’ when they need it. In this case, as much as a person may love you, if they do not love themselves you can never love them enough for them to release their need for these ‘others’. If he or she is not comfortable in their own skin, they will seek affirmation outside of your relationship, even if it does not result in sex. The question is, do you want to play second fiddle to someone’s broken ego? The short answer is no. We all, men and women, want to be the number one in our partner’s eyes and if a man or woman demonstrates that you are not, can you live like that? It is a question of core values. Getting used to his baseball card collection might require some adjustment, but getting used to her predilection for flirting or his need to have a gaggle of women to swoon over him is not something anyone can get used to. It is an insult. If you are not number one, what are you doing? You will spend your life constantly looking over your shoulder, wondering what your partner is doing and this will erode your confidence, self respect and your own self esteem. You do not have to compensate for someone not feeling good enough about themselves by being torn down, piece by piece.

Recently, I saw a fascinating documentary on the ABC which surveyed both sexes of male-female friendships. In 100% of cases, one of the friends stayed in the friendship because they had feelings for the other one. Astounding! So enquiring further, having asked my friends and associates this question (mixed genders) all have said no. They have all indicated, unprompted, that usually there is interest either side or the partner may be hanging on to this person as in insurance policy incase anything goes wrong with you.

I am not going to go so far as to suggest that men and women cannot be friends, because some female-male friendships are productive and wholesome and have only ever been and will only be, platonic. However, even these should have their boundaries. To illustrate, I recently took the time to search into my current friend list and realised that although the majority of my friends in my twenties were male, the only male friends I had now were either gay or partners of my girlfriends whose company I equally enjoyed.

A word of warning! While I think it is a great thing to hone your intuition so that you can pick up on predatory people, I am not suggesting that it is a good idea to develop unfounded jealousy of members of the opposite gender in an obsessive-compulsive manner. This is not necessary and is wildly destructive for any relationship. Just pay attention those people that make your skin crawl and perk your instincts. This is happening for a reason and you can listen and act now or regret it later.

Now, maybe in some cases a partner just does not see the danger in a person because they have not had exposure to that type of person on a full scale. Perhaps their parents are still married, or they haven’t had that behavior occur in a past relationship. They may simply be naive about the real intentions that lie behind someone’s behaviour.  And you can explain why you feel the way you feel until you are blue in the face, but the bottom line is: if your partner loves you, they will respect and honor your feelings because they will want to protect you.

This can be true for friendships as well. If you have a particular vulgar or low-socio-economic friend who you make excuses for because you have known them a long time, but this person really irritates you partner or they do not want them around them or you, it is time to do a stock take. Is this friendship really worth fighting for? Do you really want to willingly cause hurt too your partner by hanging on. Chances are, you don’t. And if they are this kind of person, you are probably not missing out on anything by letting them go.

As I have said, a sexual history is fine, but I don’t want to see it! As far as I am concerned, a relationship is a beautiful and sacred thing. It isn’t easy to find someone you gel with, are attracted to, want to build a life with. In my experience, these relationships are truly the exception to the rule, hence the divorce rate! And why is the divorce rate so high? Because people engage in activities that do not show relationship propriety!

A truly lovely relationship is as rare as a diamond, as hard to find but unfortunately, not nearly as indestructible! Relationships are challenged enough just because of the very fact that contain two unique individuals trying to figure each other out without having to throw in extra pressure, hassle and issues on top! It’s like putting a brick on a spider web and expecting it to hold up! Beautiful things have care plans! Orchids don’t grow just anywhere! They need the right humidity levels and just enough water but not too much, and certain minerals that you wouldn’t give, to say a thistle! A baby in a womb will grow, but it is still at risk of experiencing issues just going through the natural process of development. Wolf-mothers don’t throw drugs or alcohol into the mix and just hope that ‘it’ll be alright.’ No. Wolf-mothers have care plans and take vitamins and eat certain foods while eliminating others. They want to give their baby the best shot!

A relationship is the same! To give it its best shot in a world that demonstrates, daily, that divorce, adultery and ‘broken homes’ are the rule, not the exception, why wouldn’t people entering into this state create a care plan to give their love the best chance at success that they can?

Your job is to actively reduce any issue that threatens to spoil your view of 'happily ever after!

This the very reason that most couples marrying in the Church will have to attend at least a two day marriage course, which is designed to ensure that the couple understands the vows they plan to undertake, are ready and have some tools to help them start their journey on the best footing.

Embarking on a life journey together, you want your backpack to be as light as possible so you have as much energy as you can to attend to the journey with your partner. Carrying exes, unhealthy or unhelpful ‘friendships’, dysfunctional behaviours and any number of other hindering factors in your back pack from your past limits your ability and the energy you have to face your future.

After all, when you make the commitment of the rest of your life to someone, you want to make damn sure you will be a priority in theirs! And the first thing someone who loves you will do is respect your feelings on a subject by attempting to understand them and come to a mutually beneficial conclusion. If you, or your partner, isn’t ready to ‘unpack their back pack’ and unload the stuff and the people that will not aid you both in your journey TOGETHER, then maybe the relationship isn’t for you.

Achieving relationship propriety is a delicate balance that each couple needs to strike for themselves, having the discussions and devising the parameters that make both people happy and comfortable. “How Does Your Garden Grow” explores this concept through the imagery of ‘weeding your garden’ to ensure that you have the best ground possible to grow your relationship. Mr Dream and I went through this process together, early on in our relationship. And while the subject reared its head again recently because a big, spiky, morally moribund weed had escaped this initial process, because we had (pardon the pun) done the groundwork, we were able to resolve the situation.

Relationship propriety is a core value and its importance cannot be overstated. While it may feel like a daunting conversation to begin, laying bare your expectations and understanding your partner’s is utterly essential for lasting happiness. What may seem like common sense to you, may be the exact opposite of common sense to your partner, hence why common sense is so uncommon! When two people decide on spending time together, if not the rest of their lives, they both come with an entire history making up their beliefs. Get this right and co-author this value and its boundaries together and I guarantee you will save yourselves so much needless heartache in the future. As wolf-mother or wolf-father's primary goal is to protect their den and this means taking the time to get your core values straight from the beginning.

Until next time, Butterfly kisses.

Wyld x

Who Are You When One Becomes Two?

It’s easy to get lost in a whirlwind of love, passion and excitement. I like to call this phase the: ‘I’m really going to get my happily ever after'. The problem is, like Dorothy was swept up in the cyclone and dropped in the Land of Oz, we too, will come crashing down and land somewhere when the whirlwind stops. So the question remains, where will we land and what do we do when the inevitable strikes? The inevitable being everyday life…

As many of you know, I am madly in love with a wonderful man. I have referred to him in the past as Mr Well Aligned, but for this stage in our relationship it doesn’t seem sufficiently flowery. So henceforth, he will be known as Mr Dream. Mr Dream proposed to me several weeks ago in idyllic surroundings with a ring so shiny you can see it from space. As you can imagine the weeks following this moment were aflutter with excitement as we shared our news with anyone who would listen and moved in together.

Happy faces of the newly engaged!

Like a house picked up in a cyclone, dreams inevitably come crashing down at some point. Or so my own history tells me. Recently, I had a rude awakening which was roused after a night of woe-ing (it definitely wasn’t wooing). As I washed dishes, having completed cooking dinner, making Mr Dream’s lunch and proceeding to slice my finger open on a rusty can, I thought: is this a role I can really take on: happily? Mind you, several other things preceding this had occurred during the evening which made me stumble on my recent choice a little. Ordinarily, in single land, I’d be painting my nails, gasbagging on the phone to my pals, and letting the dishes pile up, if I had even bothered to make dinner at all, which I probably wouldn’t have done!

Don’t get me wrong! Living with Mr Dream is a wonderful thing and I, for the most part, really enjoy thinking of and doing things to make his day a little brighter, hence a gluten intolerant making delicious sandwiches on a daily basis (although apparently the sandwiches I had made that day were not up to par- forming part of my woeful eve).

These past few weeks, shrouded in the fallacy of domestic bliss, I have been preparing meals, making lunches, tidying, co-habitating two houses, wearing nice clothes and smiling when Mr Dream walks through the front door. But, weary from the evening of woe, I crawled into my bed, in physical pain and somewhat emotionally defeated and stared at my big vision board. Suddenly the weight of the ring on my finger became overwhelming and I had to take it off. Crowded with personal images depicting a happy and fulfilling single life, my vision board has evolved after the past few years and has been instrumental in assisting my emergence from my cocoon of self loathing and personal baggage into a fledgling butterfly.

I searched the board for images of the co-joined life I had joyfully agreed to embark upon with the man I love, and found none. For years I had been working towards a vastly different kind of life. So you see, the noise of my dream cyclone suddenly became very loud.

I had been mapping out my life for years and had just begun to live it in utter and complete happiness (notwithstanding interruption and daily hiccups of an un-planned injury). This life was the life of a single woman. My vision board was filled with single woman dreams of health, hobbies, career and personal goals. It’s adorned with images of girls hanging out having fun together, in foreign countries, eating at restaurants, playing on the beach and others of women on their own, paddle surfing or kayaking. My favourite designers, writers, power-words, business goals and a very personal brooch my mother gave me all hung from this board. There were no men, no babies, absolutely nothing to do with a married life. And yet, here I was, ecstatic over my choice to engage in nuptials with a wonderful man who I love with every fiber of my body.

I raced downstairs with my beloved laptop, past midnight, in a mini-panic. Could both roles co-exist in a happy and complementary way? My initial fear- to be brutally honest with you- was no…



This was a hair-raising moment for me!!!!!

Where do our single selves go when we make the decision to cohabitate with the special someone we love dearly. Can there really be enough time in the day and enough cash to prioritise your personal dreams and the dreams you share as a couple? I realise some overlap, but in effect you go from having one set of goals to three! What you want for you, what your partner wants for them and what you want to build together. How is this managed so that no part of anybody’s dream has to be left out? If this isn’t possible, and I suspected it wasn’t, how is the division of the ‘dream energy’ divided equally so that one partner isn’t left unfulfilled or growing resentful?

Having recently sat down to do some business planning for our year (what can I say? A program manager and a business analyst: what do you expect?) we have an extremely busy one ahead. And always one for a challenge, I scribbled furiously as we mapped our goals. And, on paper, they look beautiful! All colour coded with dates and budgets! However, throw an unpredictable injury like mine into the mix, which sucks energy out at a great rate of knots, and how much is then feasible? Also, tip in a good ounce of cleaning and cooking and general domestics and how much energy is left then? Where does one take out an insurance policy against losing sight of one’s personal goals to ensure that the role of ‘best partner in the world’ is utterly fulfilled? Isn’t that the contract I signed when I said: “Yes! I’ll marry you!”

I have a very high regard for the institution and sacredness of marriage. Having come from a ‘broken home,’ I spent my mid-to-late twenties devouring books on the importance and sacredness of marriage and the family unit. Many of these were from the Christian perspective. These years of research have given me a depth of understanding of the traditional vows and what they mean in practice, not just as something pretty to recite on your wedding day. So it was with great honor, respect and a just a hint of trepidation of the enormity of what I was agreeing to, that I accepted Mr Dream’s proposal.

Yes friends, I have over two rows in my bookcase dedicated to books on relationships. And yet, oddly, the subject of these books never made its way onto my vision board…

I went back to bed that night and hardly slept, pondering whether the personal freedom of single life and the ability to set goals and achieve them could exist within the role of a married person and the responsibilities that marriage entails. Was it possible that the life I wanted for myself and the life we were going to create together could co-exist, uncompromised in their richness?

Like many women across our great world, I ache to give my partner a wonderful home. To build a loving and welcoming home that family and friends enter and feel taken care of and renewed. To provide delicious and wholesome meals that satisfy the tastebuds and the soul. To listen, to support, to please, to remember birthdays of extended family members, to clean and to be the heart of the house. These ideals come from years of conditioning and lapping up books about the role of women in the household. But, after just one week of trying to fulfill that role, trying to be one step ahead of Mr Dream’s needs and wants and build that home I so desperately wanted to give him, I felt a dull nagging inside. I wasn’t going to be able to do both! There is no other word for how I felt than BEFUDDLED!

Finally waking up the next day after a triple shot coffee, I spent my morning with a trusted woman who has had many years of life experience under her belt. I divulged my predicament, as I have written it for you, and the advice she gave me astounded me! I was literally silenced, and those of you who know me can imagine how rare it is that I am silent, if you can imagine it at all!  Here is what she said:

“I understand what you are trying to do. But let me tell you this, men leave women like the one you are trying to become. They leave them for exotic women and you are already exotic. Why would you want to become mundane?”

The conversation continued and expanded, but the crux was captured in

her sentence above and was my lightbulb moment. Heck, thunderous, roaring, sky-lightening moment would be more correct!

I had put the pressure on myself to fit a stereotype, an ideal that I had formulated from the books and culture I had been exposed to! There was no pressure from Mr Dream to fit to change or become or do anything. I had put this pressure on myself. I had bought into the delusion that as a wife-to-be I had to fulfill a certain role, undertake certain activities, become a certain type of woman. I was wrong.

Simply put, there is no single model of a relationship or the roles of the people in it which will ensure its longevity. Together, within the confines of the vows you agree to, you make your own rules. The house keeping and provision of a good home is not the relationship, it’s a by-product of living together. Forgoing who you are to create a spotless and flawlessly run home or become a ‘Stepford Wife’ stereotype, leaves out the essence of the person inhabiting it. In effect, you’re altering one half of the reason two people fell in love in the first place.

Renewed with vigour that achieving my personal goals, helping Mr Dream achieve his and together work towards our ‘us’ goals is an entirely plausible proposition, I have thrown away the two shelves of books on relationships and all the confusion they contained within them, because now I know better!  To build on Frank Sinatra’s much loved quote, “I did it my way,” I am renouncing my former ideals and adopting the philosophy of “we’ll do it, our way!”

Taking on our new motto!

To Mr Dream, I won’t always do things the ‘right way’ even though I will try. I may occasionally make sandwiches that you don’t enjoy and leave my make-up all over the bathroom counter. I will sometimes suggest we buy an art piece instead of groceries and I will probably avoid changing the sheets on the bed for as long as I possibly can. I will let the dogs jump on the couch, zone out if you start to talk to me about computers and sometimes drink your scotch. I will sometimes spend just a little too much money on shoes and I will never iron a shirt, yours or mine, for as long as we both shall live. But you will always know that you are the head of our household and the king of my heart because I will love you, actively and abundantly, every day in every way that I can.

Soul Vacation: the naval gazing journey to depression and back!

I begin to write this almost at the break of dawn, new years day. I find myself inside my body once more. For those of you who don’t know me personally, you won’t know that the past few months for me have been particularly tumultuous and my soul went on vacation… somewhere. I am pleased to report it has returned safely and, while still timid, is renewed and ready to start again. Just in time for 2012.

2011, for me, saw heartbreak, physical incapacity, betrayal and mistreatment from care providers, physical relapse, loss of career, loss of my social world and the many ‘friends’ that I believed made it turn, the emergence of some good old fashioned ‘Queanbeyan Crazy’, the appearance of my Knight In Shining Armor, the choice between wonderful and evolved, changing mental and spiritual patterns and basically the ‘total recall’ of everything I thought I knew. You see, it stands to reason that my soul packed up for a while sometime in October and didn’t say goodbye. I just woke up one morning, empty. It felt as though I was hemorrhaging and I didn’t know where from or how to stop the bleeding. No matter what I did or how I did it, I felt like I was walking around stained from this broken place I didn’t know how to heal.



While I might have been able to join in festivities on one level, I certainly didn't feel like a 'firework.'

The things I loved, the very things I believed defined who and what I was, seemed to desert me as well. I looked around and realised my phone no longer rang, my door bell no longer sang, my diary was full of doctor and physio and work return appointments, not parties, coffee dates and pub gatherings. Usually the life of the party after a drink or two, my beloved wine seemed suddenly to turn on a tap in my eyes somewhere that I couldn’t turn off until the next morning. Friday nights, once filled with bands and dancing, were now spent sobbing in some rancid corner of my house. My one true love, writing, was nowhere to be found as I sat at my computer only to muster the will to play solitaire and tap the keyboard in frustration while I stared at a blank screen. My big smile was replaced with a vacant, desolate look and my much loved wardrobe full of shiny, bright and gorgeous things was replaced with a uniform of oversized track pants and a black top covered in dog hair. Makeup filled my drawers rather than my face and sometimes I swear my own dogs didn’t recognise me. On days when I didn’t have appointments, I would stay in my pj’s all day and not shower or do my hair. Not even if my man was coming over. And for someone with my usual second helping of vanity, this was a very big departure.

I felt this constant, aching guilt that I was letting the people who were still around me down and pushed to be the one to say goodbye first to the man in my life, because- I rationalized- it was only a matter of time til he realised that the happy-go-lucky girl he fell in love with had been invaded by some bitey, sad and soulless troll doll who cried more than she smiled and spent nights tossing and turning, begging sleep and stillness to take her away. I watched my mother tirelessly clean my house because I could no longer do it and tears rolled down my face as I said goodbye to my independence and hello to a thwarted version of childhood and penetrating vulnerability.

Whatever you might name this period of time, I know most people have experienced at least something like it at least once in their lives. You might call it depression, the blues, an emotional crisis, a dark period. The less compassionate among us may name it self-indulgent or weak. But no matter what resilience I tried to employ to bring myself out of it, the mantras, self help books, self awareness, motherly kindnesses, professions of gratitude, visualisation processes and mindfulness, there was no soul to be found. No heart in anything I did. No meaning in any moment. It was all just-dead. 

For the purposes of my own experience, I am going to call this period my ‘soul vacation’ for two reasons, one: my soul certainly vacated, and two: I am still naive enough to hope that it went somewhere nice!

Of course, the experience of a soul vacation is different for each person, but I am certain that there are strong commonalities. Hopelessness, things seeming out of reach, simple tasks becoming difficult and an endless emotional void where the joyful gamut of emotions used to frolic, to name just a few.

Functioning in the world while your soul is on vacation is no small undertaking and it takes all the courage an empty vessel can possibly muster. It begins with accepting that you are, at least for a short period of time, not who you were. And you may never be the same again as a soul can transform while it is on vacation. These changes are usually tangible and for the better. This is some consolation for those awaiting the return of their soul.

You have heard the rhetoric before and most people- especially those of you who read this blog- have an abundance of self-awareness, resilience and survival tools. The last thing you need is a dot pointed list of ‘must do’s’ to survive a soul vacation. Rather, this is merely a message of hope if you are finding that the colours of life aren’t as bright as they used to be. You will come back. This too, will pass. Laughter, joy, textures, tastes and the desire to partake in life will return.

If your soul is on vacation, like mine was, it is on vacation for the very reason we need holidays from work. It’s exhausted! Drained! Depleted! Consider this a time of hibernation for your soul. It is going away to regenerate and your job is to keep stoking the fires in your daily life, waiting for it to return. Because it will. But right now, it just needs a rest.

My soul returned on the very last day of 2011. I woke up, and felt like me. It was a strange sensation. I had energy to do things! I wanted to get out of bed! I wanted to wash my hair and put on a pretty dress! I was home again…

As I finish this article, the clock is almost ticking over to January 4, 2012 and over the last few days I have experienced an eclectic mix of emotions as I still come to terms with the changes made during my soul vacation. I lost many people in my life during this time, but now count myself lucky for the wonderful and true friends I have now. I lost my career for most of the year, but gained reassurance that my career is my true calling. I lost a man I loved deeply, but gained one who actually loved me in return. I lost staunch independence but gained the ability-to some degree- to ask for help. I lost my ability to trust in myself due to the misjudgment and mistreatment of others, but I gained it back and will never let anyone take it from me again. I lost my physical ability but will now always treasure each step I can take on my own. But most importantly, with my soul now rested and ready to engage in life again, my hope for the future is back with a juxtaposed timid vengeance and I enter 2012 with one single goal: to take things one step at a time. Always one to rush into things like a bull at a gate (my mother’s saying), I am trying to release the need to rush to make up for lost time and to also accept that my physical healing is happening, one step at a time. The later is the hardest one but I keep repeating: one step at a time!

My soul vacation has given me patience and I now know and absolutely accept that I don’t have to be perfect 100% of the time. I am going to make mistakes, have setbacks, trust the wrong people, take the wrong turns, and engage in any number of mild misdemeanors. But I also know this, as long as I know what I want, there will be enough moments of perfection to keep propelling me in that direction. One step at a time. And I will make it. And most importantly, if this story resonates with you, know that you are going to make it too. Be patient with yourself. Take lots of baths, drink lots of tea, or whatever it is you can do that is kind to you. Just remember, right now, your soul has vacated for a reason and was probably in desperate need of some R & R. Let it take the time. It will return to you. One step at a time.  

I end with a simple plea, while it is easy to be absorbed by our own woes or daily life, if you look around you and you have a friend who you believe is going through a soul vacation, please don’t look the other way and just keep going. The sorrow of not having friends there for you in your darkest hour multiplies the intensity of a soul vacation tenfold. Take the time to call, drop by with a simple meal, or at the very least, send a text every few days.

Soul vacations are the most hauntingly lonely and deeply isolating experiences, especially if they are combined with illness or physical incapacity of any kind. Friends are the lifeline that can help to bring a soul back faster and in better repair. Do not underestimate the effect even a small kindness will have. Think of it like throwing a ‘happy stone’ into a river of sadness, the ripples are far-reaching. It’s like Mother Theresa said so beautifully, “be kind and merciful. Let no one ever come to you without coming away better and happier.”

Until next time, butterfly kisses.

Wyld.