The Definition of Adulthood and the 44 signs you've arrived: as told by two old, married bastards.

There comes a point, presumably in every person’s life (but who are we to judge?), when that post-adolescent-idealism fades and the 20’s gloss wears off. The scratched and murky coloured surface that remains can only be called ‘adulthood’. The transmogrification can occur so gradually that you only realise it when you spot your first grey pube (or you realise you have been in the public service so long you have become a grey pube)... Conversely, sometimes it’s onset is incredibly sudden, such as when you find yourself praising manners in the ‘young’ man or woman who served you. 

Regardless, the onset of adulthood is generally followed by a period of grief as we are taunted with the knowledge we have moved firmly into Adult-Ville. We now live on the corner of Fucking Old Street and Whiny Bastard Avenue.

For us (two ‘old’ married bastards), this occurred in separate events. Chris’s ‘big-yet-little moment’ came when he reflected that he staunchly defended his comic book collection to his new wife as important ‘graphic novels.’ This was further solidified when he saw the ‘new starters’ at his work place and began using the phrases; ‘when I was your age’ and ‘back in my day.’

I had a more tumultuous graduation into ‘adulthood’. I fought and kicked like any good Rottweiler, only to find that I began to scour the shelves of boutique wine shops for Argentinian Malbec or Chilean Tempranillo. No longer clinging to my beer while rocking out to ‘Loveshack’ in a crowded and smoky bar, I would 'daintily' slurp my Spanish wine from Waterford crystal while watching the oven timer to ensure my Spanikopita didn’t burn. However the saddest moment came when I excitedly asked a shop assistant at KMart if the sign was correct. Could it really be that a five pack of bikini briefs in size 18 was only $2??? To add insult to injury, I gleefully stretched at the waist, checking the sizing and girth of the fabric, unconsciously emulating the scenes from my childhood where my mother had played the starring stretching-undies role. 

And this, dear readers, marks the arrival at Grand Central Station, Adult-Ville. After yet another ‘Friday Night In’, my husband and I curiously posed the question: what's the landscape in Adult-Ville? We arrived at this sure-fire, 44 point check list. To play an even more adult version of let's check who's an adult', simply add one for every question you answer yes to. 1-20= late adolescence (enjoy it while it lasts). 21-30= entering Adult-Ville (you will soon notice your first grey hair...somewhere...). 31-42= sucked in, you are just like us!

1. Toys are no longer toys. They are ‘collectable figurines'
2. Underwear is no longer for sex appeal, but for sucking in the lumpy bits 
3.  Status updates are taken over with photos of your children
4. If you don’t have children, you refer to pets as your babies
5. Wine is no longer served from a cask, referred to as ‘goon’ or used as a vehicle for getting hammered. It is, in fact, a show piece and talking point at a dinner party
6. You forget what Passion Pop tasted like and you never, EVER drink pre-mixed, flavoured vodkas

   

   Although anything goes on New Year's Eve!!!

7. Board games have a resurgence of ‘cool'
8. Cooking is no longer something you pay a restaurant to do for you
9. You use the words ‘superannuation,’ ‘tax benefit’ and ‘interest rate’ at least once a month
10. It is exciting to use excel for budgeting and there is an inherent thrill in getting the numbers in the black
11. Clothes go on the hanger automatically. The floor is for feet
12. You refuse to pay full price- EVER
13. You stop being afraid of hearing the word ‘no.’ You’re getting better at using it too!
14. You wear clothes you never dreamed you would wear in your twenties because you no longer give a shit what others think of your body. If your bits work, and something fits, you go for it!
15. Having a big poo is an exciting conversational piece
16. Aches and pains begin to be a daily occurrence. And things crack where you never thought they could...
17. You realise that sounding intelligent is often dependant on throwing a few big words and a snide look into a conversation
18. If you are a man, you have more than two pairs of shoes. If you are a woman, you begin to weigh up the cost of shoes compared to other household items that could be comparably purchased... and this becomes a real consideration! 
19. You wear Ugg boots to bed because your blood supply no longer seems to travel to your feet in winter
20. Ironing becomes a thing you just do
21. Hobbies no longer include drinking and fucking but gardening and crafts
22. Getting a-head refers to something you do at work, not on a Friday night out
23. You realise that movies made after 1990 are all going to be mostly crap. Never Ending Story, Indiana Jones and Back to The Future will always be your classics. And nobody will ever do it like the Ghostbusters
24. You own a man-bag. But prefer it to be called a ‘satchel’
25. You have a clean house most of the time, not just when the rental inspection is due
26. Things like squid ink pasta, mouldy cheese and marinated bug meat sound appealing and no longer invoke the ‘chuck’ reflex
27. Shopping at a fresh food market becomes an ‘outing’ you look forward to
28. You can no longer eat anything you want. Suddenly, it appears on your ass every day in small increments
29. You ask your pets questions and answer for them in quirky voices

    

    "Oh really Mister Wabbit? You're weally weally late?"

30. You cook your pets things like salmon, scrambled eggs, bacon and steak because... ‘it’s their favourite’
31. You have to consider the length of flights versus the leg room you will have on them. Business class suddenly becomes a viable option
32. You can’t decode this: Churz, LMFAO,GTFO, Totes Gr8. Lol
33. You know who Bill Murray is 
34.  You shower before sexual activity to be polite
35. You can remember the last time you changed your bed sheets
36. You begin to see condoms as convenient for cleanliness, not contraception 
37.  Something that starts at 8pm is a really late night
38. ‘Cultural activity’ includes seeing diverse plays and listening to a range of music, not just snogging as many different coloured people as possible
39.  Shoes are chosen for comfort. The ‘cute’ heels begin to be the low, thick heeled wedges you can actually walk in rather than the hot pink stilettos 
40. Your knees hurt inexplicably
41. You can still remember how cool it was to win a level of Pacman
42. You complain. In writing
43. Antique stores, old churches and historical landmarks become interesting and you actually stop to read the informative plaques
44. You can no longer put up with bullshit silently and your friendship group becomes smaller but better. As a result, you have more people you can bitch about in your elite group of cool people

There is very little one can do when our train heads to Adult-Ville except bask in the primary glory that accompanies finally arriving. This can be summarised in three simple lines: “I no longer care what you think or expect. I am me. Get used to it or fuck off.” 

So, like, rock on and stuff...

This liberating sentence and the freedom that comes with it, is worth every knee crack, back pain, grey hair and odd rude-bit malfunction that could possibly arise (or not as the case may be). Us two old farts recommend embracing this beautiful phase-change and invite you to call on us if you ever want to swap big words or share a bottle of obscurely named Spanish wine. 

Until next time, with butterfly kisses
Wyld and Captain Awesomo