I am Doll Eyes

Ladies,I challenge you to name one female friend you have who is totally at ease with her eating habits. I mean, she doesn’t talk about diets, her body, her weight, her thighs, her need for chocolate and any associated guilt…etc. I bet you can’t. I know I might be choking on the proverbial cliché, but we have just been force fed (pardon the pun) so much nonsense about our bodies.

We have learned to associate food with punishment, rewards, guilt, self esteem and thus demonized this wonderful asset. We have taken all that was once good and (w)holy and smeared it with butter, covered it with salt, sucked the nutrients out, fried the bejesus out of it, and called it fast food. We have associated chocolate with PMS and pimples, ice-cream with breakups and fat asses, vegetables with anorexia and diets, and meats with animal cruelty and cholesterol.

We are bombarded in the media with diet after diet, celebrity diet, celery diet, lose your sanity in just five friggin days diet, eat white and green foods and turn into an oompa loompa diet. Our local grocery store is almost as loaded with landmines as Cambodia! Choosing what to eat in an average meal can become a very big ordeal. Oh, I want chips, but I shouldn’t. Oh I would love a sushi roll, but they are so high in carbs. Oh, I have been dying for ice-cream all day, but I am so fat!!!  Then if we do indulge, we can mentally torture ourselves for hours, if not days! Not to mention the girls who go to the major extremes of either bringing it back up, laxette-ing it right out, or starving for a day to make up for it.

We are so utterly and completely disconnected from our bodies in any real way. We have little physiological understanding of how our bits fit together and how our actions affect how those parts work. Additionally we are so psychologically messed up about eating! It’s just insane!

Feminism was meant to create more choice, not more constraints!


I have been on one diet or food related guilt trip or other my whole life. Every. Single. Day. I was a chunky kid after facial surgery when I was seven left me unable to move for months and alone in a hospital bed. I stayed chunky until I got fat. I stayed fat until I lost a little weight, started looking normal-ish and then became obese. After two years of losing that weight, I kept it off (minus a few ups and downs) for about seven years before piling it back on again and tipping “Morbidly Obese” on the scales. It took another two years after that to knock it down to overweight, but bearable. Food and I have never had a good relationship.

Despite having been able to drop a massive amount of weight-twice-I was still absolutely and completely and unfathomably messed up about food and health.

Recently I damaged my back pretty badly and was basically bedridden for a month with extremely limited movement during the following three. To add insult to injury I had to wear a back brace which pulled in tight around my hips and created an absolutely nuclear mushroom of fat where my waist used to be. Ladies, I was pissed! But rather than get miserable and eat icecream- something else happened. I literally woke up one day to an epiphany that changed the way I understood food and my whole health.

Suddenly, the intricate and magical ways that the parts in my body connected became clear. The connection between what we do to our bodies and the consequences appeared. Caloric thinking changed to nutrition. Exercise became about strengthening the core muscles as well as all the tiny muscles and ligaments that help the core muscles work. Food stopped being about guilt vs rewards. It started being about fuel that can feel and taste delicious as well as make my body run the best way it can!

Nothing tastier or more sensory than a yummy strawberry!

We often forget that food=fuel. And the luckiest thing about this is, we get to enjoy providing that fuel to our bodies and can do so with any number of colours, smells, textures, tastes and times. What could be better than that?



Ladies, all food is created equal. It’s neither good or bad. It’s neither rewarding or punishing. It’s stuff we eat and it has a certain effect. If we are eating rubbish, we are tormenting ourselves mentally. If we are tormenting ourselves mentally, we feel like rubbish. If we feel like rubbish, we end up in a horrible cycle. Emotional eating! This is when food becomes guilt vs reward vs punishment. 

I kid you not, this burger in London was higher than my hand! Who could possibly eat that!

If we are eating well, we are giving ourselves good messages. If we are praising ourselves, we feel good. If we feel good, we keep wanting to do things that keep us feeling good and these choices begin to become more natural. We begin to see the health benefits as well as the mental ones over a short space of time, and suddenly our food choices become about feeling good and healthy mentally and physically. The guilt vs rewards vs punishment cycle is erased.

Sure we still have occasions where we fall back into old behavior, but it’s like jumping into freezing water. We don’t like the feelings it gives us and we want to go back to how we were as quickly as possible! If you’re on a good cycle, and you overeat three packs of crisps , you are going to feel so lousy physically and mentally that you’ll jolt yourself right back into your good habits because what we want most of is to feel good about ourselves.

Think about it! The studies all show that people who exercise in the morning are more likely to stick to their routine. Similarly, people who start the day with a nutritious breakfast are likely to be a normal weight. A lot of studies conclude that this means you should eat a good breakfast and exercise in the morning, but this is rubbish. What the studies aren’t showing is that these people are healthier because they are starting their day in a way that makes them praise themselves! They are getting the self-praise thing happening and because we like to feel good about ourselves, we keep the cycle going throughout the day and keep making choices that fuel that feeling and ultimately our bodies.

Conversely, if a person starts the day with a chocolate covered snap crackling nonsense breakfast that they know is absolute rubbish for them, they’ll tell themselves that, and the negative cycle has started…

This link between emotions and food cannot be underestimated. And ladies, we all want praise! We crave it! We love it! When our teachers and parents praised us for behaviours, in general we did more of it! Except between the ages of 11 and 17 when we morphed into teenage beings that are exempt to any intelligible forces! The same thing is true of ourselves. We are feeding our brains messages the whole day through and if we are smart, we can make sure we’re feeding it the right ones to keep ourselves right where we want to be: feeling and looking our best!

It’s not rocket science. We do something, we tell ourselves what we think about it and those thoughts create a feeling. That feeling then leads us to feel good or feel bad. It's a simple cycle. Food leads to physical and emotional consequences that lead to how we feel about ourselves which in turn leads us to make either "I feel good" or "I feel bad" choices.

You already know all the nutritional facts. You know the health facts. You know about diabetes, cholesterol, heart disease, obesity, rotten teeth…the list goes on. You know what makes a healthy meal and what doesn’t. I don’t need to tell you these things. It’s the fact that you know these things that creates the guilt vs reward vs punishment cycle in the first place.

Use the knowledge for your own benefit and out-smart yourself! Choose the food that has the emotional benefits first, the praise worthy choices. These choices will make you feel good and will ultimately make it so easy to keep making good choices long term. They will also make you healthier, which will also increase the praise factor, and keep your synapses coming back for more.

We can have our cake and eat it too. Just be conscious about it.

To maximize the emotional benefits of what you are eating, tell yourself the benefits as you eat it! As you crunch on the apple, think about how good it is for your teeth, removing all the nasties that would otherwise corrode them. Go through all the vitamins in the apple and what they are going to do for your body. How the apple is going to move through your body, the fibre helping your body remove waste and become clean. These praise-worthy thoughts will have you wanting more and more! And, soon enough, the brown, dead-looking head-ache inducing chocolate bar you once craved will lose its appeal.

It works! For 31 years my relationship with food has been dysfunctional. For 31 years I just didn’t understand food, think about the consequences, or think any more deeply about the emotional connections of the guilt vs reward vs punishment cycle. Food was a link only to being fat or thin. Guilty or virtuous. It was the way I found comfort. The way I showed myself love. And on that, honestly girl, how can we possibly think that feeding ourselves a big bag of crisps is showing us any love? We have been conditioned to see junk food as a ‘reward’ and that is as bigger load of garbage than you'll find in any landfill!

Real love would be a big old salad with everything good for us and yummy in it, smothered in avocado and slivered almonds and scrummy yummy citrus dressing. After eating this, we will feel loved. Inside and out. Who needs the guilt and mental crap that comes along with eating bad foods?
 

I wouldn’t move back to that mental-neighbourhood if you paid me. I believe I lived on the corner of I Don’t Feel Good About Myself Avenue and I Haven’t Got A Clue Lane for way too long. If you’re there too, it’s time to move. That neighbourhood isn’t working for you anymore!


Love and butterfly kisses,
Wyld.

How Does Your Garden Grow?

Ok, so you’ve met a guy, he’s passed your initial requirements and you’re either officially on, or it’s almost there… this is the time to weed your garden!

Let’s face it, if you are going to go to the trouble to grow a garden, you are going to want the patch of dirt you plant on to be as well prepared as possible. No one wants to waste their time or money and trying to grow plants on uncultivable soil would be a total loss of both assets. Instead, you’d plan how you want the garden to look, which plants would be best suited to your area, what mix of plants would work together, where you’d plant them to maximize their sunlight and moisture absorption. You might even ask experts for their advice or do your own solid research. Which ever way you would go about planting your garden, you’d be putting some time in to try and get it right. No one is going to chuck a few plants on weedy, dry soil and just hope that they turn into a garden. And yet so often, this is what we do when we enter a new relationship.

Mary, Mary, quite contrary...How does your garden grow?

How many times have you seen it, been in it, or heard a girlfriend bemoaning it? The man you’re seeing is still in contact with his ex. Or maybe she’s not an ‘ex’, just ‘someone I used to sleep with occasionally- it’s no big deal.’ Or maybe you’re the one who’s partaking in the contact. Either way, it is a big deal. Someone who is seeing someone new but is still in contact with someone they dated, slept with, or had any kind of relationship with is keeping that person on the sidelines- just in case…

It is absolute and thorough nonsense if someone is saying ‘we’re just friends,’ I don’t care what the spin on it is. Unless there are children, if you are in a relationship, you shouldn’t be dragging in old ones. This, my friend, is a weedy garden!

See, people with low self esteems keep people ‘on the sidelines’ because they like to get validation from multiple sources. I know this sounds ugly, especially if you’re the one keeping the contact, but just trust me and read on. I used to be big on the whole ‘friends’ thing until I had a really big hard look at what I was doing and why. When I entered new relationships, I kept in contact with my exes and my current man knew about it. It made me feel wanted. That my ex was accepting friendship but wanting more, and my current man knew I was still wanted, which meant I must be good! Think of it like a parking validating machine. When you want to validate your parking, you put your card in, hand over your money and get validation. Keeping an ex in tow is the same because when you’ve had a fight with the new man, or he didn’t text when he said he would, you can go straight to your ex and get validated. But like all parking validation machines, the validation comes at a cost. It could be slowly wearing away at your new man, or wreaking havoc on your old man’s self worth, or keeping you torn between both relationships. It’s just such low-socio behavior and it doesn’t look hot. In fact, it’s doing exactly the opposite of what you think it’s doing- de-valuing you. And the same is true if it’s your new man is doing it. It’s just showing you that he doesn’t think enough of himself to be validated by one woman, regardless how exceptional she is.

This is a clear show that he is keeping someone in the sidelines just in case you and he don’t work out. This is especially true for men. How many female ‘friends’ do you think a man is going to invest in unless there is ultimately some physical pay-off for him? I’ll tell you, NONE! And if he doesn’t think enough of himself, no matter how hard you try, I don’t care if you can bend both your legs behind your head while cooking a lamb roast and singing Guns N Roses, you will never ever be enough for him and he will always be looking elsewhere for validation. This is not a reflection of you, this is a reflection of him. It means his garden isn’t ready and don’t bother planting your stuff there because it won’t grow. At best it will stay like it is and at worst it will die. Save your time and effort and take your plants elsewhere.

The beauty you have to offer is far to good for weedy soil!

Contrarily, if it’s you keeping the contact, what are you doing? Really and honestly, what are you doing? This is highlighting that there is still something broken in you and you are searching externally for others to fill the void. It won’t work and you will wreck yourself, wreck your ex and wreck your new relationship in the process. Maybe you need to bow out of the new relationship and take some time to heal. Or, just quit the contact! You are with the new guy, not the old guy, and there is a reason for that! I think back and I can’t believe how much time I wasted on ‘being friends.’ It may sounds callous, but just cut the cord. It’s the best thing for all concerned. It’s called weeding your garden and it’s necessary if you really want to make a go of this new potential in your life.

What can you do if it’s your man who’s keeping the contact? Just explain the situation to him in a non-threatening, non-confrontational, cute way. When I met a man who I began to really like, I realized that I needed to cut the ties with my ex, who I was keeping in touch with for a variety of non-fruitful reasons. When I did, I texted my new man and told him I had gotten rid of excess baggage so we could start a fresh. What I was hinting at was ‘now it’s your turn.’ He’d been in frequent contact with a girl he was recently in casual physical relationship with and it annoyed me. I explained that I thought it was time to clear the decks because I didn’t want anyone in the sidelines, ready to jump in if we didn’t work. I used the garden allegory to illustrate my point: if we are going to make a go of this garden we might as well clear the weeds first. He agreed and to seal the deal, I assured him that as my man, he would always have my full attention. Simple. Done. Boundaries expressed and accepted. Garden weeded.

Granted, it was the first time I had ever done something like this and I have to admit I was a little afraid he might think I was some sort of jealousy monger or that I was being too clingy. But in reality, I was heading off any sort of fights or snide remarks in the future as I am sure I would have begun to make if I hadn’t the courage to have come right out and set some expectations. And he clearly liked the fact that I respected myself and wanted what I had to offer enough to accept where the boundary line was drawn.

However, if you receive a different response, be sure and know that you, as discussed above, are dealing someone whose validation needs know no bounds. Even though it might sting a little, be grateful you found out before you wasted too much time and be done with it. Because know one thing for sure, if you put up with twaddle in the beginning, it ain’t going to get any better!

The honeymoon period is called that for a reason and if you are putting up with any bad behavior, that behavior will magnify each year you are with him. It’s the law of relationship physics. You know you have heard the countless stories from women the world over who all have the same punch-line: they seemed nice until we got married. Often abuse starts after the wedding ring is on. The affairs start. The drinking starts, or gets worse. Or basically anything you can think of. Why does this happen? Because the men have scored the woman. There is nothing left to do. The mentality is that they no have ownership and the woman can’t get away. I am not trying to be anti-man or anti-marriage, both can be beautiful things, but I am saying that if things aren’t perfect or at the very least, really really really bloody good at the start of relationship, they never will be. Think about it. Have you ever heard anyone say “when we first met he used to hit me, cheat on me, lie to me and spend all our money. But now he is the perfect husband.” I didn’t think so.

Every flower has it's own care plan. So do you.

Not all bad behavior is so extreme. Bad behavior might include being late without letting you know, cancelling dates at the last minute, wearing dirty clothes on a date (yes, I am serious) or countless other mild misdemenours. If you give him a free pass in the beginning to get away with these things by not caling him on it, you are saying you don’t value yourself and he is free to treat you as he pleases. You don’t have to be all up in his face to pull him up, but a simple smile and a ‘that’s not ok with me’ will get your message through. Remember not to be afraid of him ‘taking it badly’ and leaving because frankly, if he does, good! Let him pick up someone else who will sit in a restaurant for an hour only to have him show up looking like he’s just slithered his way through a drain pipe to get there. You, fabulous lady, are worth so much more than that!

Bottom line is, weed your patch of dirt, get him to weed his, then get to work planting your garden together, weed free and with the best shot at growing into something beautiful that you can give it from the get go!


Til next we speak, butterfly kisses.
Wyld.