Let’s face it, if you are going to go to the trouble to grow a garden, you are going to want the patch of dirt you plant on to be as well prepared as possible. No one wants to waste their time or money and trying to grow plants on uncultivable soil would be a total loss of both assets. Instead, you’d plan how you want the garden to look, which plants would be best suited to your area, what mix of plants would work together, where you’d plant them to maximize their sunlight and moisture absorption. You might even ask experts for their advice or do your own solid research. Which ever way you would go about planting your garden, you’d be putting some time in to try and get it right. No one is going to chuck a few plants on weedy, dry soil and just hope that they turn into a garden. And yet so often, this is what we do when we enter a new relationship.
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| Mary, Mary, quite contrary...How does your garden grow? |
How many times have you seen it, been in it, or heard a girlfriend bemoaning it? The man you’re seeing is still in contact with his ex. Or maybe she’s not an ‘ex’, just ‘someone I used to sleep with occasionally- it’s no big deal.’ Or maybe you’re the one who’s partaking in the contact. Either way, it is a big deal. Someone who is seeing someone new but is still in contact with someone they dated, slept with, or had any kind of relationship with is keeping that person on the sidelines- just in case…
It is absolute and thorough nonsense if someone is saying ‘we’re just friends,’ I don’t care what the spin on it is. Unless there are children, if you are in a relationship, you shouldn’t be dragging in old ones. This, my friend, is a weedy garden!
See, people with low self esteems keep people ‘on the sidelines’ because they like to get validation from multiple sources. I know this sounds ugly, especially if you’re the one keeping the contact, but just trust me and read on. I used to be big on the whole ‘friends’ thing until I had a really big hard look at what I was doing and why. When I entered new relationships, I kept in contact with my exes and my current man knew about it. It made me feel wanted. That my ex was accepting friendship but wanting more, and my current man knew I was still wanted, which meant I must be good! Think of it like a parking validating machine. When you want to validate your parking, you put your card in, hand over your money and get validation. Keeping an ex in tow is the same because when you’ve had a fight with the new man, or he didn’t text when he said he would, you can go straight to your ex and get validated. But like all parking validation machines, the validation comes at a cost. It could be slowly wearing away at your new man, or wreaking havoc on your old man’s self worth, or keeping you torn between both relationships. It’s just such low-socio behavior and it doesn’t look hot. In fact, it’s doing exactly the opposite of what you think it’s doing- de-valuing you. And the same is true if it’s your new man is doing it. It’s just showing you that he doesn’t think enough of himself to be validated by one woman, regardless how exceptional she is.
This is a clear show that he is keeping someone in the sidelines just in case you and he don’t work out. This is especially true for men. How many female ‘friends’ do you think a man is going to invest in unless there is ultimately some physical pay-off for him? I’ll tell you, NONE! And if he doesn’t think enough of himself, no matter how hard you try, I don’t care if you can bend both your legs behind your head while cooking a lamb roast and singing Guns N Roses, you will never ever be enough for him and he will always be looking elsewhere for validation. This is not a reflection of you, this is a reflection of him. It means his garden isn’t ready and don’t bother planting your stuff there because it won’t grow. At best it will stay like it is and at worst it will die. Save your time and effort and take your plants elsewhere.
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| The beauty you have to offer is far to good for weedy soil! |
Contrarily, if it’s you keeping the contact, what are you doing? Really and honestly, what are you doing? This is highlighting that there is still something broken in you and you are searching externally for others to fill the void. It won’t work and you will wreck yourself, wreck your ex and wreck your new relationship in the process. Maybe you need to bow out of the new relationship and take some time to heal. Or, just quit the contact! You are with the new guy, not the old guy, and there is a reason for that! I think back and I can’t believe how much time I wasted on ‘being friends.’ It may sounds callous, but just cut the cord. It’s the best thing for all concerned. It’s called weeding your garden and it’s necessary if you really want to make a go of this new potential in your life.
What can you do if it’s your man who’s keeping the contact? Just explain the situation to him in a non-threatening, non-confrontational, cute way. When I met a man who I began to really like, I realized that I needed to cut the ties with my ex, who I was keeping in touch with for a variety of non-fruitful reasons. When I did, I texted my new man and told him I had gotten rid of excess baggage so we could start a fresh. What I was hinting at was ‘now it’s your turn.’ He’d been in frequent contact with a girl he was recently in casual physical relationship with and it annoyed me. I explained that I thought it was time to clear the decks because I didn’t want anyone in the sidelines, ready to jump in if we didn’t work. I used the garden allegory to illustrate my point: if we are going to make a go of this garden we might as well clear the weeds first. He agreed and to seal the deal, I assured him that as my man, he would always have my full attention. Simple. Done. Boundaries expressed and accepted. Garden weeded.
Granted, it was the first time I had ever done something like this and I have to admit I was a little afraid he might think I was some sort of jealousy monger or that I was being too clingy. But in reality, I was heading off any sort of fights or snide remarks in the future as I am sure I would have begun to make if I hadn’t the courage to have come right out and set some expectations. And he clearly liked the fact that I respected myself and wanted what I had to offer enough to accept where the boundary line was drawn.
However, if you receive a different response, be sure and know that you, as discussed above, are dealing someone whose validation needs know no bounds. Even though it might sting a little, be grateful you found out before you wasted too much time and be done with it. Because know one thing for sure, if you put up with twaddle in the beginning, it ain’t going to get any better!
The honeymoon period is called that for a reason and if you are putting up with any bad behavior, that behavior will magnify each year you are with him. It’s the law of relationship physics. You know you have heard the countless stories from women the world over who all have the same punch-line: they seemed nice until we got married. Often abuse starts after the wedding ring is on. The affairs start. The drinking starts, or gets worse. Or basically anything you can think of. Why does this happen? Because the men have scored the woman. There is nothing left to do. The mentality is that they no have ownership and the woman can’t get away. I am not trying to be anti-man or anti-marriage, both can be beautiful things, but I am saying that if things aren’t perfect or at the very least, really really really bloody good at the start of relationship, they never will be. Think about it. Have you ever heard anyone say “when we first met he used to hit me, cheat on me, lie to me and spend all our money. But now he is the perfect husband.” I didn’t think so.
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| Every flower has it's own care plan. So do you. |
Not all bad behavior is so extreme. Bad behavior might include being late without letting you know, cancelling dates at the last minute, wearing dirty clothes on a date (yes, I am serious) or countless other mild misdemenours. If you give him a free pass in the beginning to get away with these things by not caling him on it, you are saying you don’t value yourself and he is free to treat you as he pleases. You don’t have to be all up in his face to pull him up, but a simple smile and a ‘that’s not ok with me’ will get your message through. Remember not to be afraid of him ‘taking it badly’ and leaving because frankly, if he does, good! Let him pick up someone else who will sit in a restaurant for an hour only to have him show up looking like he’s just slithered his way through a drain pipe to get there. You, fabulous lady, are worth so much more than that!
Bottom line is, weed your patch of dirt, get him to weed his, then get to work planting your garden together, weed free and with the best shot at growing into something beautiful that you can give it from the get go!
Til next we speak, butterfly kisses.
Wyld.
Til next we speak, butterfly kisses.
Wyld.
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