Understanding how our thoughts work is essential because our thoughts are continuous streams of information that have a direct and linear impact on our lives. We can maintain a conscious level and direct our thoughts, or let them run rampant with the potential to wreak havoc! When our thoughts run wild, we run the risk of developing anxieties, obsessions, self-esteem issues, self-directed failure and a never ending supply of pervasive self-doubts.
Imagine trying to drive a car down the East Coast of Australia without ever having had driving lessons. In this allegory, the car is our lives and the driver is our thoughts. The car is capable of making the journey, but needs a capable driver to operate and navigate it. If we don’t understand how our thoughts work, we are trying to drive a big and powerful car without lessons down some very fast roads, coastal roads and everything in between.
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| Dear thoughts...take me to love, freedom of expression and happiness in my own skin... |
Every single aspect of our lives from the moment to moment moods we experience, to our greater success or lack thereof is driven by our thoughts. Our thoughts dictate our lives. You see a thought doesn’t in and of itself create pain or happiness; it’s what we attach to it.
Thoughts function like a spiral and can lead us to experience a positive or negative frame of mind and emotional state. Here’s how it works: we have a thought which triggers more thoughts which in turn trigger emotions. If these thoughts are positive, we are building an upward spiral and we end up making ourselves feel positive feelings as a result. Conversely if the thoughts are negative, we are building a downward spiral and we end up feeling that way as result. Here is an example of both a positive and negative thought spiral, both beginning with the same initial thought: ‘yet another relationship that didn’t work!’. The corresponding numbers relate to the thought cycle of one thought triggering another and so on.
Negative spiral:
Negative spiral:
- Initial thought: Yet another relationship that didn’t work!
- He has left me
- I might be alone for the rest of my life
- What if I am not as good as I think I am and no one else wants me
- I might never have a family
- What if he was as good as it gets
- What if it was all my fault
- What if this keeps happening with every man I ever meet
- If it wasn’t me how can I be 31 and still single
- What if I have just made the biggest mistake of my life
- And on and on it goes, leaving you feeling utterly wretched.
Positive spiral:
- Initial thought: Yet another relationship that didn’t work!
- I can take lessons from this one
- I gave it my best shot
- In reality our future visions didn’t match up
- I may not be an oil painting but I have tonnes going for me
- It didn’t work out with him, but maybe it was a dress rehearsal for the real thing
- This feels kind of scary but I trust myself. I did the right thing
- And who knows, the nights I spent drowning in television might now be spent doing something new and cool
- And I will get to spend more time with my friends and maybe meet some new people
- I am going to be ok through this.
Do either of these spirals look familiar to you? The spiral occurs with just about any thought trigger: diet, in-laws, going to work, crashing the car, cooking dinner, choosing an outfit, etc. Absolutely any thought we have triggers more thoughts and the spiral-cycle begins!
The trick to mastering your thought process is being able to control that cycle. This can be done using a number of techniques which interrupt the cycle.
This article stems from my previous piece entitled “Healing Love’s Hangover” which dealt with unpacking and dealing with your emotional baggage and ideals after a significant break-up. Using the below techniques in a break-up situation can be very helpful as it stops us careering down a destructive mental pathway. As you will see these techniques can be used for just about any issue!
Acknowledge and Release Technique
The first technique, and possibly the hardest in some circumstances, is to interrupt and stop the thought cycle all together. This means that we have a thought and rather than jump to a judgement or second thought, as we saw in the examples above, we allow a thought to simply ‘be.’ We simply have the thought, acknowledge it and say no more about it.
This technique takes practice to master but it is incredibly powerful as it removes any judgment. And frankly thoughts - just like humans - like to be acknowledged! Once acknowledged, the thought loses its power over us. While it requires diligence to ensure that the thought doesn’t turn into a spiral, this technique ultimately requires the least amount of energy as we don’t need to argue with ourselves or even waste any emotional energy on it at all.
Earlier this year, while going through the break-up I discussed at length in Healing Love’s Hangover, I found myself sitting on the edge of my bed, sobbing into my hands. I felt as though the emotions I was feeling were going to overwhelm me as I had one fearful, negative thought after another. As each thought came, I judged it and agreed with it and continued down the negative spiral with a new toxic thought. This continued for some time until I suddenly stopped and realised that I was causing the pain I was experiencing by giving these thoughts power. I wasn’t hopeless or worthless or any of the horrid things that came into my mind that day. I was bringing that entirely on myself by judging my thoughts.
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| Gotta love a 'light bulb' moment. Just in the knick of time! |
When we have a painful thought, the fear of being in emotional pain often causes behaviours that inadvertently bring on more pain, which is what I was doing. Afraid of acknowledging the break-up for what it was in case it caused pain, I hurtled into a negative self-blame spiral which was far more painful! Having suddenly stopped sobbing on the edge of my bed, I returned to my original thought, another relationship that didn’t work, and I sat with it. Sitting with the pain sounds morbid but it was in running from it that I had accidently created more pain! Just sitting with that thought, another relationship that didn’t work, took away the pain. It was without judgment, self-blame, there was no negative spiral. It simply ‘was’. I was able to sit back and say, “Yeah. That’s all. It’s just another relationship that didn’t work. FULL STOP”
The truth of it is, it’s mostly the fear of feeling pain which makes us retreat into these behaviours, whatever they may be for you. When we have a ‘painful thought’, it is often like the beginning of a storm. A storm cycle begins with the rumble of thunder, clouds, then the torrent of rain and hail and the subsequent damage left behind after the clouds clear. Whereas, just sitting with your initial thought and interrupting that cycle stops the storm at the initial rumble of thunder. But our fear of pain causes us to react so strongly to that rumble of thunder that we can accidently cause ourselves an emotional storm.
So, to recap on the above theory, if you have a thought that has the potential to cause a negative spiral, acknowledge it and let it be. Stop that thought at the rumble of thunder and don’t allow it to become a storm! This gets easier over time and is extremely emotionally freeing.
Rehearsed Sentence Technique
Another way to interrupt the thought cycle is to be conscious of thought patterns within ourselves and have a plan to interrupt the cycle. This is really helpful if we experience reoccurring issues over a long period of time, such as a particular anxiety, or a pervasive short term issue, such as a relationship break-up. Once we know that our minds keep returning to a particular issue or that an anxiety is likely to creep up we can create a rehearsed sentence or action to use when it does to interrupt the cycle.
Interrupting the spiral by repeating a rehearsed sentence.
- Yet another relationship that didn’t work
- And I trust that I made the best choice for me in the long term
- I am scared
- And I trust that I made the best choice for me in the long term
- It’s so disappointing that it didn’t work
- And I trust that I made the best choice for me in the long term
This interruption serves as a tool to keep yourself positive and as an affirmation. You’ll notice in the example above that any thought that came up about the break-up could be dealt with using the soothing rehearsed sentence. The thoughts may not come one after the other, but whenever one enters your mind about the anxieties or issues you have planned for, use your rehearsed sentence. You may even find it helpful to keep a little notebook to remind yourself if you are working on a few of these. Choose a sentence that is comforting to you and repeat it whenever a fear-based thought comes into your mind.
The wonderful thing about this technique is that the issue or anxiety you are focusing on fades over time because we aren’t giving it the attention it craves. We’re literally starving the diseased thought pattern, so eventually it has to die. The time it takes depends on how pervasive the issue is and how consistently and diligently you use the technique.
I developed this technique while trying to deal with an anxiety over clothing. Years ago I used to experience ‘fat days’ quite regularly and I would become almost obsessive about the clothes I chose on that day. If I perceived that a lump or bump was evident, I would literally just keep changing my clothes. On occasion I would get myself so worked up I would actually cancel whatever it was I was getting dressed for! These days, I only experience the thoughts when I am really tired, exhausted and run down. I simply acknowledge a self-defamatory remark and repeat my chosen sentence and keep doing so for as long as it takes to silence my internal critic. This technique is awesome for long-term anxieties as you stop feeding the obsession.
Argue Technique
The argue technique is similar to the rehearsed sentence but is not as structured. This works best for issues that aren’t pervasive, as the pervasive ones really need the structure of the rehearsed sentence to effectively interrupt the cycle. Additionally, the Argue Technique can feed the anxiety or issue by giving it the attention it craves and if we aren’t highly diligent, it can turn into a negative spiral if we become tired of arguing with ourselves or begin to relent. The Argue Technique is best used for issues that arise spontaneously, such as your car breaking down, being stuck at an airport, or dealing with a schmuck at work. It is also great for dealing with an issue when it first arises, such as a break-up, before you have assessed the issue as being pervasive.
Interrupting the spiral by arguing with yourself:
- Yet another relationship that didn’t work
- I am scared to be alone
- I might be scared but I have survived these things before. I will again
- I am getting too old for anyone to want me
- People in nursing homes get married and profess to having found true love for the first time. You’re never too old.
- What if he was ‘the one’
- If he was ‘the one’ he wouldn’t have continually behaved in such a way that made you so unhappy!
These techniques can become very powerful tools if you are conscious about using them. Try them all out and see which works for you. Any type of thought can be interrupted using these techniques and like all skills, practice makes perfect. It takes courage to allow yourself to sit with a painful thought initially, as we have been conditioned to run from pain. But paradoxically it is in sitting with that thought that relieves the pain, as you will see for yourself when you use the Acknowledge and Release Technique. Freeing yourself from pervasive negative spirals using the Rehearsed Sentence Technique is an immensely powerful process that liberates you from wasting energy on things that aren’t bringing you joy or benefiting you. Knowing how to deal with irritants that pop up on a daily basis using the Argue Technique enables you to retrain your thinking process and will make you a much more positive, in control and happy person in the long run.
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| I am graceful and accept that some people have no manners...I am graceful and accept that some people have no manners! |
Not to oversimplify, but our minds are like under-used computers and we have to take responsibility to program them so they function in the way that benefits us the most! Returning to the car allegory used earlier, mastering these techniques will enable you to steer your life in the directions that benefit you as you take control over the process that single handedly can make or break our lives on a daily basis: our thoughts!
Here are some Rehearsed Sentences that deal with some common issues to help you in formulating ones that work for you… Good luck creating your own now that you know how our thoughts think!
Weight Issues:
- Fat bottomed girls, you make the rockin’ world go round! (Queen)
- The ideal of perfection is a sales technique. I am perfect the way that I am
- Different strokes for different folks! I am someone’s dream babe!
- No-one looks like me, I am the best version of me for this moment
- I am taking one for the team and wearing these clothes for bigger women everywhere!
In-Laws, Friends or Colleagues:
- I don’t have to agree for their opinion to be valid
- I allow them to make their own choices even if I do things differently
- Lucky stupidity isn’t catching (just be careful not to laugh out loud)
- If I look closely I can learn something from this
- Smile, smile, smile!
Break-ups:
- I am learning to better identify the relationship I want
- I am learning to better identify the man I want
- I accept his/her choice and I release them with love
- I am wonderful and I will find someone to share my life with
- Really? Really? Upset over him/her? They were a total dipshit! (not always helpful, but can be if you’re addicted to dipshits)
Parents:
- He/she is allowed to be crotchety and narrow minded
- I understand he/she is broken in their own way and don’t need to be perfect to still be worthy of my love
- I am grateful for what he/she is trying to do by expressing their opinions about my life
- I give he/she permission to be exactly who they are
- I release the ideals about how I think my childhood should have been and accept it for what it was
Until next we speak, butterfly kisses!
Wyld.
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