Soul Vacation: the naval gazing journey to depression and back!

I begin to write this almost at the break of dawn, new years day. I find myself inside my body once more. For those of you who don’t know me personally, you won’t know that the past few months for me have been particularly tumultuous and my soul went on vacation… somewhere. I am pleased to report it has returned safely and, while still timid, is renewed and ready to start again. Just in time for 2012.

2011, for me, saw heartbreak, physical incapacity, betrayal and mistreatment from care providers, physical relapse, loss of career, loss of my social world and the many ‘friends’ that I believed made it turn, the emergence of some good old fashioned ‘Queanbeyan Crazy’, the appearance of my Knight In Shining Armor, the choice between wonderful and evolved, changing mental and spiritual patterns and basically the ‘total recall’ of everything I thought I knew. You see, it stands to reason that my soul packed up for a while sometime in October and didn’t say goodbye. I just woke up one morning, empty. It felt as though I was hemorrhaging and I didn’t know where from or how to stop the bleeding. No matter what I did or how I did it, I felt like I was walking around stained from this broken place I didn’t know how to heal.



While I might have been able to join in festivities on one level, I certainly didn't feel like a 'firework.'

The things I loved, the very things I believed defined who and what I was, seemed to desert me as well. I looked around and realised my phone no longer rang, my door bell no longer sang, my diary was full of doctor and physio and work return appointments, not parties, coffee dates and pub gatherings. Usually the life of the party after a drink or two, my beloved wine seemed suddenly to turn on a tap in my eyes somewhere that I couldn’t turn off until the next morning. Friday nights, once filled with bands and dancing, were now spent sobbing in some rancid corner of my house. My one true love, writing, was nowhere to be found as I sat at my computer only to muster the will to play solitaire and tap the keyboard in frustration while I stared at a blank screen. My big smile was replaced with a vacant, desolate look and my much loved wardrobe full of shiny, bright and gorgeous things was replaced with a uniform of oversized track pants and a black top covered in dog hair. Makeup filled my drawers rather than my face and sometimes I swear my own dogs didn’t recognise me. On days when I didn’t have appointments, I would stay in my pj’s all day and not shower or do my hair. Not even if my man was coming over. And for someone with my usual second helping of vanity, this was a very big departure.

I felt this constant, aching guilt that I was letting the people who were still around me down and pushed to be the one to say goodbye first to the man in my life, because- I rationalized- it was only a matter of time til he realised that the happy-go-lucky girl he fell in love with had been invaded by some bitey, sad and soulless troll doll who cried more than she smiled and spent nights tossing and turning, begging sleep and stillness to take her away. I watched my mother tirelessly clean my house because I could no longer do it and tears rolled down my face as I said goodbye to my independence and hello to a thwarted version of childhood and penetrating vulnerability.

Whatever you might name this period of time, I know most people have experienced at least something like it at least once in their lives. You might call it depression, the blues, an emotional crisis, a dark period. The less compassionate among us may name it self-indulgent or weak. But no matter what resilience I tried to employ to bring myself out of it, the mantras, self help books, self awareness, motherly kindnesses, professions of gratitude, visualisation processes and mindfulness, there was no soul to be found. No heart in anything I did. No meaning in any moment. It was all just-dead. 

For the purposes of my own experience, I am going to call this period my ‘soul vacation’ for two reasons, one: my soul certainly vacated, and two: I am still naive enough to hope that it went somewhere nice!

Of course, the experience of a soul vacation is different for each person, but I am certain that there are strong commonalities. Hopelessness, things seeming out of reach, simple tasks becoming difficult and an endless emotional void where the joyful gamut of emotions used to frolic, to name just a few.

Functioning in the world while your soul is on vacation is no small undertaking and it takes all the courage an empty vessel can possibly muster. It begins with accepting that you are, at least for a short period of time, not who you were. And you may never be the same again as a soul can transform while it is on vacation. These changes are usually tangible and for the better. This is some consolation for those awaiting the return of their soul.

You have heard the rhetoric before and most people- especially those of you who read this blog- have an abundance of self-awareness, resilience and survival tools. The last thing you need is a dot pointed list of ‘must do’s’ to survive a soul vacation. Rather, this is merely a message of hope if you are finding that the colours of life aren’t as bright as they used to be. You will come back. This too, will pass. Laughter, joy, textures, tastes and the desire to partake in life will return.

If your soul is on vacation, like mine was, it is on vacation for the very reason we need holidays from work. It’s exhausted! Drained! Depleted! Consider this a time of hibernation for your soul. It is going away to regenerate and your job is to keep stoking the fires in your daily life, waiting for it to return. Because it will. But right now, it just needs a rest.

My soul returned on the very last day of 2011. I woke up, and felt like me. It was a strange sensation. I had energy to do things! I wanted to get out of bed! I wanted to wash my hair and put on a pretty dress! I was home again…

As I finish this article, the clock is almost ticking over to January 4, 2012 and over the last few days I have experienced an eclectic mix of emotions as I still come to terms with the changes made during my soul vacation. I lost many people in my life during this time, but now count myself lucky for the wonderful and true friends I have now. I lost my career for most of the year, but gained reassurance that my career is my true calling. I lost a man I loved deeply, but gained one who actually loved me in return. I lost staunch independence but gained the ability-to some degree- to ask for help. I lost my ability to trust in myself due to the misjudgment and mistreatment of others, but I gained it back and will never let anyone take it from me again. I lost my physical ability but will now always treasure each step I can take on my own. But most importantly, with my soul now rested and ready to engage in life again, my hope for the future is back with a juxtaposed timid vengeance and I enter 2012 with one single goal: to take things one step at a time. Always one to rush into things like a bull at a gate (my mother’s saying), I am trying to release the need to rush to make up for lost time and to also accept that my physical healing is happening, one step at a time. The later is the hardest one but I keep repeating: one step at a time!

My soul vacation has given me patience and I now know and absolutely accept that I don’t have to be perfect 100% of the time. I am going to make mistakes, have setbacks, trust the wrong people, take the wrong turns, and engage in any number of mild misdemeanors. But I also know this, as long as I know what I want, there will be enough moments of perfection to keep propelling me in that direction. One step at a time. And I will make it. And most importantly, if this story resonates with you, know that you are going to make it too. Be patient with yourself. Take lots of baths, drink lots of tea, or whatever it is you can do that is kind to you. Just remember, right now, your soul has vacated for a reason and was probably in desperate need of some R & R. Let it take the time. It will return to you. One step at a time.  

I end with a simple plea, while it is easy to be absorbed by our own woes or daily life, if you look around you and you have a friend who you believe is going through a soul vacation, please don’t look the other way and just keep going. The sorrow of not having friends there for you in your darkest hour multiplies the intensity of a soul vacation tenfold. Take the time to call, drop by with a simple meal, or at the very least, send a text every few days.

Soul vacations are the most hauntingly lonely and deeply isolating experiences, especially if they are combined with illness or physical incapacity of any kind. Friends are the lifeline that can help to bring a soul back faster and in better repair. Do not underestimate the effect even a small kindness will have. Think of it like throwing a ‘happy stone’ into a river of sadness, the ripples are far-reaching. It’s like Mother Theresa said so beautifully, “be kind and merciful. Let no one ever come to you without coming away better and happier.”

Until next time, butterfly kisses.

Wyld.