The Yellow Brick Road

We all have times in our life where we aren’t where we want to be, but we are certainly on our way. While life is one long journey, we do have times when the journey becomes an accelerated and inward one and we go through the most personal change. These are times where we are growing, changing, healing and discovering. These are our Yellow Brick Road journeys.

A gal has to have an amazing pair of shoes for her Yellow Brick Road journey!

A journey along our own Yellow Brick Road might have been triggered by one or more of the following:

·       Getting out of a relationship

·       Changing some dysfunctional behaviours

·       Finding a purpose for our lives

·       Starting or changing a career

·       Healing from an injury or illness or addiction

·       Recovering from a mental health issue such as depression

·       Making major changes to our health and fitness

·       Moving to a new city

·       Losing a loved one

There are countless reasons we may find ourselves ‘journeying’. The commonality in these issues is that the journey can be difficult and misery likes company. The trouble is, if we aren’t clear about where we are heading or why, we can become easily distracted and sidetracked by people we meet along the way. We might spend way too long with the wrong people or person, or heaven forbid actually marry them! The state of mind we possess when undertaking a Yellow Brick Road journey is not our ideal state for meeting our life partner. It might happen, but be aware that this would be the extreme exception to the rule.

My theory on Yellow Brick Road journeys stems from the brilliant example given to us in the movie The Wizard of Oz. Even as an adult I can recite many of the scenes from this film because this was the only childhood movie my father owned. During the days when he worked while I stayed with him, I watched that movie over and over again, the way only a child can without getting bored. To this day I am certain that it was this period in my life where I developed my unyielding addiction to red shoes and many of the lessons I have learned in life I can relate back to this film.

Seriously, am I the only one who tries to 'Dorothy kick' when a new pair of red shoes find their way home?

Most of us are very familiar with the story, but just in case you have been living under a rock somewhere I shall summarize for you. The film is set in Kansas where teenager Dorothy lives with her Aunt, Uncle and her little dog, Totto. When Totto bites the neighbourhood wench, Dorothy decides to run away from home rather than allow her dog to be impounded. At the start of her journey a storm hits in the form of a twister and Dorothy runs home to find her family gone. The twister collects Dorothy and her house and sweeps them away into another world full of strange little creatures and witches, the land of Oz. Dorothy’s house crash lands on Oz, killing the Wicked Witch of the East.

The first person Dorothy meets is Glinda, the Good Witch of the North. Expressing her desire to return to Kansas, she is instructed by Glinda to follow the yellow brick road all the way to the Emerald City to meet the Wizard of Oz who will help her find her way home. The Wicked Witch arrives during this conversation and is angry that her sister has been killed by Dorothy’s falling house. She threatens Dorothy and warns her to look out! In the tradition of red shoes being good for the soul, Glinda gives Dorothy a pair of ruby slippers which will protect her from the evil witch as long as she doesn’t take them off. Dazed and little confused, but brave none-the-less, Dorothy begins her journey down the yellow brick road.

This is where her journey becomes a little more relatable and if we watch closely, we can learn a very valuable lesson from young Dorothy. When Dorothy was wrenched from her known life and put into rampant unrest, in a world she didn’t know, surrounded with strange witches and with a long and scary journey ahead of her, it is no surprise that she encouraged the first man she met- Scarecrow- to come along with her to meet the Wizard. She disguised her own need for company by highlighting that the wizard could probably give Scarecrow the one thing he most wanted- a brain. The loveable and generous Scarecrow joined Dorothy on her quest.

A little further into her journey, Dorothy meets Tin Man and promises him that the Wizard will be able to give him the heart he thinks he lacks if only he would accompany her to the Emerald City. And so he does. The next troubled fellow the trio meet is Cowardly Lion, full of bravado but scared of his own shadow. When Dorothy pledges that the Wizard will grant him the courage he desires, Cowardly Lion joins Dorothy.

Along the way, the three men fall in love with Dorothy and come to her rescue at every turn, helping her through the emotional trauma of killing the Wicked Witch and the realisation that the Wizard of Oz is no more than an ordinary man. Dorothy’s journey is made easier with the help and support of these men.

Here is the clincher! When Dorothy discovers a way she can get home to Kansas, Scarecrow asks her to stay with him in Oz. He offers her the very generous role of helping him lead Oz, as he has been elected the head of it. At this point, Dorothy remains true to her inner calling, which is to go home. She kisses each of the men goodbye and leaves Oz, whispering to Scarecrow, “I think I’ll miss you most of all.” The three men are all in tears but all have gained something from partaking in her journey. Tin Man discovers his heart. Cowardly Lion discovers his courage and Scarecrow discovers his own magnificent brain!

Just like Dorothy, it is great to meet people and have support along the way when we are on our own Yellow Brick Road. Often when we are on a journey, it is to heal something in us that is broken and we must remember that like attracts like. When we are broken, we attract broken people. It’s an unfortunate fact of life. It is important to highlight that what Scarecrow, Tin Man and Cowdardly Lion have in common is low self esteem. They each believe they lack a character trait that they think would make them whole if they possessed it. Of course, they each already have these traits but at this stage, are unable to see their own worth. Because of this, they too are as vulnerable to being lead astray as Dorothy is, with her fear of being alone on the journey she faces. So the four find solace in each other, each believing that the other is the key to helping them find the thing they believe they lack.

The key here is that when Cowardly Lion found his courage and Tin Man found his heart, they no longer needed Dorothy. They also could see that Dorothy’s journey and come to an end as she had found a way back to Kansas. While they were sad to see her go, they accepted that their journey together had come to a close and it was time to say goodbye gracefully. What Cowardly Lion and Tin Man illustrate here is that it is important to recognise when it is time to part ways and that it can be achieved without too much drama or fuss. It simply needs to happen to allow each person to stay on their chosen Yellow Brick Road.



By all means have fun with people you meet along your journey! Have safe (emotionally and prophylactically) fun and enjoy it but do not mistake a ‘journey companion’ for ‘the one.’ Staying focused can be difficult as lovers are wonderful distractions and we can be very easily sidetracked by our new, exciting plaything.

Pets make the BEST 'journey companions.' This is mine, Orchid!

Do weekly check ins with yourself. Are you still on track? If not, is this person moving you away from your goal or sucking up too much time that you aren’t working towards it? Is it time to say goodbye? If not, keep having fun but in the name of all that is holy, remember your journey and make it a priority.

Have you ever heard the saying ‘people are in our lives for a season, a reason or a lifetime?’ Dorothy’s journey illustrates this point. She needed to bond with these men at a time when her life was tumultuous and she craved stability. But during this time she stayed focused on her end goal and worked, with their help, towards it. When Scarecrow asked her to stay, there would have been a big part of her that wanted to. She had grown to love and depend on him. But she knew that she wouldn’t be true to herself if she did, despite the riches and lovely life staying in Oz would have afforded her. With genuine tears, Dorothy said goodbye and made the final part of her journey. Alone.

I share this lesson with you after repeated difficulties saying goodbye to relationships that were keeping me from my own Yellow Brick Road. I discussed this at length in Healing Love’s Hangover. You see, during late 2008 and early 2009, my Yellow Brick Road was a health and fitness journey with the aim to lose the weight I had heartily piled on during my year-long catastrophic relationship with an alcoholic life-destroying whirlwind. I was focused and true to my goal for about four months, dating men on and off but committing to none because I was resolved in my journey. During this time I had been playing (in a non sexual sense of the word) with one man in particular. A country boy, with a country drawl who sucked on a cigarette with so much passion that I was always sure he would make any gay man incredibly happy if he ever decided to bat for the other team. He made me laugh and we had fun together, but I absolutely knew he wasn’t the one. Until I lost my focus!!!

In that same period of time I had started an incredibly stressful new job. Mr Country made this job easier because I knew I had someone to relax and laugh with after work. If I had been smarter, I would have realized that this was all Mr Country and I were ever supposed to be- friends. But one night I slept with him and lost my head. Don’t get me wrong, the event was nothing special but for some reason I was attached. I told myself I had been wrong about him and because he made me laugh and was easy going, we should be together. I wondered off into the forest, leaving my ‘yellow brick road,’ and invested in this new relationship. The energy I should have been investing in my goal, instead, was invested in someone who should have been nothing more than a ‘journey companion’. I mistook this shiny new distracting plaything as ‘the one’ because I was unaware that in my own broken state, I had attracted a similarly broken individual.

Progress on my own journey was slow and had eventually come to a standstill as my energy was all used up trying to solve our never-ending problems. Eventually I woke up to the fact that, like Cowardly Lion was for Dorothy, Mr Country was a journey companion and our season had come to an end.

With some fumbling and a few miscues, I found myself walking along my Yellow Brick Road once more. Alone.  My healing was fast and furious after his departure and I could see that I had mistaken a nice guy for the right guy, simply because I didn’t know how or when to say goodbye. Thinking back on it, I am not even sure if I knew it was ok to say goodbye in order to prioritise my own goals! Doesn’t society encourage us to be in a partnership, regardless of what our internal compass may be telling us? I just kept thinking I had to make it work, put more effort in, try harder. Hello!!!! No!

Finding your Yellow Brick Road is cause for celebration!

I tell you this tale because I want to highlight the importance of using your own internal compass to stay on your Yellow Brick Road. Keep your sights on your own goal because it is blindingly effortless to lose track and start walking down a path you never planned on. It would have been so easy for me to marry Mr Country (we did get engaged!), have a few kids and have lived unhappily ever after. What a waste of both of our lives.

Have the courage to stick to your truth and never ever let fear of being alone or any other weak justification keep you from your journey or your goals. It’s not worth it. Try to recognise when you are walking along your Yellow Brick Road and be aware of who you pick up along the way. I promise that a giant hole will not open in the Earth and swallow all the men into it just because you say ‘no’ to one of them. There will be other men. Or women. Or both. Whatever your tickles your fancy. But just know that this one doesn’t have to be the one and won’t be the last one. Repeat this every time you’re feeling weak or needy or giving yourself justifications: this one doesn’t have to be the one and won’t be the last one. Play it like Dorothy and say goodbye when it’s time to.


Until next time, butterfly kisses.
Wyld.


PS: if you need an extra nudge to stay on track, check out Emotional Reflux!

The Way Our Thoughts Think….

Understanding how our thoughts work is essential because our thoughts are continuous streams of information that have a direct and linear impact on our lives. We can maintain a conscious level and direct our thoughts, or let them run rampant with the potential to wreak havoc! When our thoughts run wild, we run the risk of developing anxieties, obsessions, self-esteem issues, self-directed failure and a never ending supply of pervasive self-doubts.

Imagine trying to drive a car down the East Coast of Australia without ever having had driving lessons. In this allegory, the car is our lives and the driver is our thoughts. The car is capable of making the journey, but needs a capable driver to operate and navigate it. If we don’t understand how our thoughts work, we are trying to drive a big and powerful car without lessons down some very fast roads, coastal roads and everything in between.

Dear thoughts...take me to love, freedom of expression and happiness in my own skin...

Every single aspect of our lives from the moment to moment moods we experience, to our greater success or lack thereof is driven by our thoughts. Our thoughts dictate our lives. You see a thought doesn’t in and of itself create pain or happiness; it’s what we attach to it.

Thoughts function like a spiral and can lead us to experience a positive or negative frame of mind and emotional state. Here’s how it works: we have a thought which triggers more thoughts which in turn trigger emotions. If these thoughts are positive, we are building an upward spiral and we end up making ourselves feel positive feelings as a result. Conversely if the thoughts are negative, we are building a downward spiral and we end up feeling that way as result. Here is an example of both a positive and negative thought spiral, both beginning with the same initial thought: ‘yet another relationship that didn’t work!’. The corresponding numbers relate to the thought cycle of one thought triggering another and so on.


Negative spiral:

1. Initial thought: Yet another relationship that didn’t work!
2. He has left me
3. I might be alone for the rest of my life
4. What if I am not as good as I think I am and no one else wants me
5. I might never have a family
6. What if he was as good as it gets
7. What if it was all my fault
8. What if this keeps happening with every man I ever meet
9. If it wasn’t me how can I be 31 and still single
10. What if I have just made the biggest mistake of my life
11. And on and on it goes, leaving you feeling utterly wretched.

Positive spiral:

1. Initial thought: Yet another relationship that didn’t work!
2. I can take lessons from this one
3. I gave it my best shot
4. In reality our future visions didn’t match up
5. I may not be an oil painting but I have tonnes going for me
6. It didn’t work out with him, but maybe it was a dress rehearsal for the real thing
7. This feels kind of scary but I trust myself. I did the right thing
8. And who knows, the nights I spent drowning in television might now be spent doing something new and cool
9. And I will get to spend more time with my friends and maybe meet some new people
10.  I am going to be ok through this.

Do either of these spirals look familiar to you? The spiral occurs with just about any thought trigger: diet, in-laws, going to work, crashing the car, cooking dinner, choosing an outfit, etc. Absolutely any thought we have triggers more thoughts and the spiral-cycle begins!

The trick to mastering your thought process is being able to control that cycle. This can be done using a number of techniques which interrupt the cycle.

This article stems from my previous piece entitled “Healing Love’s Hangover” which dealt with unpacking and dealing with your emotional baggage and ideals after a significant break-up. Using the below techniques in a break-up situation can be very helpful as it stops us careering down a destructive mental pathway. As you will see these techniques can be used for just about any issue!

Acknowledge and Release Technique

The first technique, and possibly the hardest in some circumstances, is to interrupt and stop the thought cycle all together. This means that we have a thought and rather than jump to a judgement or second thought, as we saw in the examples above, we allow a thought to simply ‘be.’ We simply have the thought, acknowledge it and say no more about it.

This technique takes practice to master but it is incredibly powerful as it removes any judgment. And frankly thoughts - just like humans - like to be acknowledged! Once acknowledged, the thought loses its power over us. While it requires diligence to ensure that the thought doesn’t turn into a spiral, this technique ultimately requires the least amount of energy as we don’t need to argue with ourselves or even waste any emotional energy on it at all.

Earlier this year, while going through the break-up I discussed at length in Healing Love’s Hangover, I found myself sitting on the edge of my bed, sobbing into my hands. I felt as though the emotions I was feeling were going to overwhelm me as I had one fearful, negative thought after another. As each thought came, I judged it and agreed with it and continued down the negative spiral with a new toxic thought. This continued for some time until I suddenly stopped and realised that I was causing the pain I was experiencing by giving these thoughts power. I wasn’t hopeless or worthless or any of the horrid things that came into my mind that day. I was bringing that entirely on myself by judging my thoughts.

Gotta love a 'light bulb' moment. Just in the knick of time!

When we have a painful thought, the fear of being in emotional pain often causes behaviours that inadvertently bring on more pain, which is what I was doing. Afraid of acknowledging the break-up for what it was in case it caused pain, I hurtled into a negative self-blame spiral which was far more painful! Having suddenly stopped sobbing on the edge of my bed, I returned to my original thought, another relationship that didn’t work, and I sat with it. Sitting with the pain sounds morbid but it was in running from it that I had accidently created more pain! Just sitting with that thought, another relationship that didn’t work, took away the pain. It was without judgment, self-blame, there was no negative spiral. It simply ‘was’. I was able to sit back and say, “Yeah. That’s all. It’s just another relationship that didn’t work. FULL STOP”

The truth of it is, it’s mostly the fear of feeling pain which makes us retreat into these behaviours, whatever they may be for you. When we have a ‘painful thought’, it is often like the beginning of a storm. A storm cycle begins with the rumble of thunder, clouds, then the torrent of rain and hail and the subsequent damage left behind after the clouds clear. Whereas, just sitting with your initial thought and interrupting that cycle stops the storm at the initial rumble of thunder. But our fear of pain causes us to react so strongly to that rumble of thunder that we can accidently cause ourselves an emotional storm.

So, to recap on the above theory, if you have a thought that has the potential to cause a negative spiral, acknowledge it and let it be. Stop that thought at the rumble of thunder and don’t allow it to become a storm! This gets easier over time and is extremely emotionally freeing. 

Rehearsed Sentence Technique

Another way to interrupt the thought cycle is to be conscious of thought patterns within ourselves and have a plan to interrupt the cycle. This is really helpful if we experience reoccurring issues over a long period of time, such as a particular anxiety, or a pervasive short term issue, such as a relationship break-up. Once we know that our minds keep returning to a particular issue or that an anxiety is likely to creep up we can create a rehearsed sentence or action to use when it does to interrupt the cycle.

Interrupting the spiral by repeating a rehearsed sentence.

1. Yet another relationship that didn’t work
2. And I trust that I made the best choice for me in the long term
3. I am scared
4. And I trust that I made the best choice for me in the long term
5. It’s so disappointing that it didn’t work
6. And I trust that I made the best choice for me in the long term

This interruption serves as a tool to keep yourself positive and as an affirmation. You’ll notice in the example above that any thought that came up about the break-up could be dealt with using the soothing rehearsed sentence. The thoughts may not come one after the other, but whenever one enters your mind about the anxieties or issues you have planned for, use your rehearsed sentence. You may even find it helpful to keep a little notebook to remind yourself if you are working on a few of these. Choose a sentence that is comforting to you and repeat it whenever a fear-based thought comes into your mind.

The wonderful thing about this technique is that the issue or anxiety you are focusing on fades over time because we aren’t giving it the attention it craves. We’re literally starving the diseased thought pattern, so eventually it has to die. The time it takes depends on how pervasive the issue is and how consistently and diligently you use the technique.

I developed this technique while trying to deal with an anxiety over clothing. Years ago I used to experience ‘fat days’ quite regularly and I would become almost obsessive about the clothes I chose on that day. If I perceived that a lump or bump was evident, I would literally just keep changing my clothes. On occasion I would get myself so worked up I would actually cancel whatever it was I was getting dressed for! These days, I only experience the thoughts when I am really tired, exhausted and run down. I simply acknowledge a self-defamatory remark and repeat my chosen sentence and keep doing so for as long as it takes to silence my internal critic. This technique is awesome for long-term anxieties as you stop feeding the obsession.

Argue Technique

The argue technique is similar to the rehearsed sentence but is not as structured. This works best for issues that aren’t pervasive, as the pervasive ones really need the structure of the rehearsed sentence to effectively interrupt the cycle. Additionally, the Argue Technique can feed the anxiety or issue by giving it the attention it craves and if we aren’t highly diligent, it can turn into a negative spiral if we become tired of arguing with ourselves or begin to relent. The Argue Technique is best used for issues that arise spontaneously, such as your car breaking down, being stuck at an airport, or dealing with a schmuck at work. It is also great for dealing with an issue when it first arises, such as a break-up, before you have assessed the issue as being pervasive.

Interrupting the spiral by arguing with yourself:

1. Yet another relationship that didn’t work
2. I am scared to be alone
3. I might be scared but I have survived these things before. I will again
4. I am getting too old for anyone to want me
5. People in nursing homes get married and profess to having found true love for the first time. You’re never too old.
6. What if he was ‘the one’
7. If he was ‘the one’ he wouldn’t have continually behaved in such a way that made you so unhappy!

These techniques can become very powerful tools if you are conscious about using them. Try them all out and see which works for you. Any type of thought can be interrupted using these techniques and like all skills, practice makes perfect. It takes courage to allow yourself to sit with a painful thought initially, as we have been conditioned to run from pain. But paradoxically it is in sitting with that thought that relieves the pain, as you will see for yourself when you use the Acknowledge and Release Technique. Freeing yourself from pervasive negative spirals using the Rehearsed Sentence Technique is an immensely powerful process that liberates you from wasting energy on things that aren’t bringing you joy or benefiting you. Knowing how to deal with irritants that pop up on a daily basis using the Argue Technique enables you to retrain your thinking process and will make you a much more positive, in control and happy person in the long run.

I am graceful and accept that some people have no manners...I am graceful and accept that some people have no manners!

Not to oversimplify, but our minds are like under-used computers and we have to take responsibility to program them so they function in the way that benefits us the most! Returning to the car allegory used earlier, mastering these techniques will enable you to steer your life in the directions that benefit you as you take  control over the process that single handedly can make or break our lives on a daily basis: our thoughts!

Here are some Rehearsed Sentences that deal with some common issues to help you in formulating ones that work for you… Good luck creating your own now that you know how our thoughts think!

Weight Issues:

• Fat bottomed girls, you make the rockin’ world go round! (Queen)
• The ideal of perfection is a sales technique. I am perfect the way that I am
• Different strokes for different folks! I am someone’s dream babe!
• No-one looks like me, I am the best version of me for this moment
• I am taking one for the team and wearing these clothes for bigger women everywhere!

In-Laws, Friends or Colleagues:

• I don’t have to agree for their opinion to be valid
• I allow them to make their own choices even if I do things differently
• Lucky stupidity isn’t catching (just be careful not to laugh out loud)
• If I look closely I can learn something from this
• Smile, smile, smile!

Break-ups:

• I am learning to better identify the relationship I want
• I am learning to better identify the man I want
• I accept his/her choice and I release them with love
• I am wonderful and I will find someone to share my life with
• Really? Really? Upset over him/her? They were a total dipshit! (not always helpful, but can be if you’re addicted to dipshits)

Parents:

• He/she is allowed to be crotchety and narrow minded
• I understand he/she is broken in their own way and don’t need to be perfect to still be worthy of my love
• I am grateful for what he/she is trying to do by expressing their opinions about my life
• I give he/she permission to be exactly who they are
• I release the ideals about how I think my childhood should have been and accept it for what it was

Until next we speak, butterfly kisses!

Wyld.

Healing Love's Hangover

Without even realising it, we all have patterns that are observable in our relationship history. These patterns consist of behaviours and beliefs. Some are constructive and some are most certainly destructive. If we are not getting what we say we want in our relationships, it's time to unpack our 'love wardrobe', go through our 'stuff' and chuck out what isn't working for us anymore. And what better time to do it than Spring! 

Does this tiara make me look fat?

Like quick-dry super glue, I have never been one to easily let go of relationships and- until recently- I have forever been rendered incapable of identifying why. I would love to be one of those ‘the world is black or it’swhite,’ kinda personalities. You know the ones I mean. You might even be one yourself. The kind of person is able to call it quits, mean it, and move on. Me, I’m all shades and tones of beige and gray.

The pattern is borderline pathological. The love begins, the fights set in gradually over time. The bitching to friends and family starts. But when it’s finally over, I can’t cope. It’s like I turn into some needy, broken little lost girl. To illustrate, I spent a year with a man who was a raging alcoholic and had neglected to tell me this useful tidbit of information when we moved in together. The night I found out, although every fibre in my being told me to bail, I stayed. I got very fat and depressed being dragged into his morbid world and found myself feeling so low and unattractive that even when my whole life started to fail- including my much loved career, I still couldn’t leave. When he finally moved interstate, back to our home town, I left the city I was living in and returned home too, a completely broken woman.

And still, the drama played on and on and on for another year. I supported him through rehab for seven months to find him drunk again within 48 hours of getting out. He destroyed my laundry, pissed himself twice and I still stayed. Unable to walk away and stand alone (destructive behaviour number 1). It wasn’t until I lost 15kg and met someone else that I was able to let go. I needed the safety net of another person (destructive behavior number 2).

Now the next guy was a fairly decent, hardworking kind of man. He was from the country, 33 years old with no assets to his name and what seemed a never-ending supply of Winfield Blues. I took a while to warm up to him but then it got hot very quickly. But in the back of my mind, the whole time I was thinking that he wasn’t ‘good enough for me.’ And yet again I didn’t listen to myself. Now may I pause for a moment and say that I don’t inherently ever believe that one person is ‘better’ than another. In this instance I was referring to the fact that he had chosen not to accumulate assets or work towards something and instead lived fortnight to fortnight in a very cliché bachelor lifestyle. (At that stage in my development I ranked people as ‘less than’ or ‘better than’ according to these arbitrarily chosen societal indicators. I have hence learned to think very differently…)

Despite the endless arguing, fights and obvious differences in what we wanted for our futures, we got engaged. Yes, I was rapidly approaching 31 and knew that being in my relationship was better than being single, despite its problems and our clear lack of any coherent communal vision. I suspect he felt the same way.

Immediately things went from bad to worse and although the wedding had been set for October, he moved out- in a very dramatic fashion- in late January. Despite the hideous break up, I still couldn’t let go. Ten more weeks of back and forth and back and forth. On again, off again. And the whole time I couldn’t shake the dark feeling that it wasn’t right. So I asked for a break. And he decided- with my encouragement- to move to Queensland.

You’d think I’d be happy, right? I could finally move on from this one too! But no, the little behavioural demons who agonise over being alone and being rejected and abandoned reared their ugly heads again and I found myself aching for him stay. I catalogued everything in the relationship that I did to contribute to it going sour. I tried text messages. Tears. I even promised to stop eating and lose weight (I mean, honestly!!!). Nothing worked. He was leaving.  And I behaved this way for what? To hang on to a man I couldn’t live with and never thought was good enough for me from the beginning! These insidious, dysfunctional and pathetic behaviours were literally dripping from me. From a woman who owned her own home, had 3 degrees, tones of friends and was respected in her profession. The very things I had learned to judge others as ‘better than’ or ‘less than’ by. And yet the ‘less than’ was moving up North to begin a new life and the ‘better than’ was crying, begging and bargaining.

I share these very private things with you not because I am proud or in any way trying to negate responsibility for my actions and choices. Merely because it was this amazing experience that woke me up. I was suddenly and acutely aware of my own patterns. My own ‘stuff’ that made this roller coaster operate each time I was saying goodbye to someone. The behaviours that rendered me unable to say goodbye when I knew things weren’t right and instead kept me engaging in destructive relationships.





We all have at least one of these photos...with the 'ex' head cut out!

I have come to realize that the ‘stuff’ that comes up for us when we go through a breakup is the stuff that is the most damaged within us. And the pendulum swings both ways. If a person feels nothing through a break up or blames the other person entirely, that is also a clear indication of some damaged and broken pieces, which stem from fear. Fear of opening up a big ol’ barrel of pain that, like a fizzy drink once its been shaken, won’t stop pouring out when you open the lid. The frightening thing here is that this type of personality does not look within and can remain stuck with the broken pieces. I know a lady who, until late in her life, was a classic case of this type of personality. If things went sour in any form of relationship, it was always the other person’s fault. This used to grieve me greatly until I realized it because she was so afraid of her own brokenness that she was literally rendered incapable of personal insight.

Conversely, a rapid demise into self hatred, blame, unadulterated fear and panic also highlights many a broken piece, but the very nature of this kind of reaction is ripe ground for healing to take place. Picture this, if a person breaks an arm and acknowledges it through the awareness of pain, that person can seek help to heal it. With advice, rest, a cast and following rehabilitation directives, the person can heal their arm. If on the other hand a person doesn’t acknowledge the break and just downs a whole bunch of pain killers continually, the arm might try to fix itself but will never heal properly and never be fully functional again. It might also have knock-on effects to other areas of the body. The latter is where my natural gravitational pull directs me and historically I would do almost anything I could to rid myself of feeling the pain. Once I was on the ‘self blame- it’s my fault because I am terrible person and I will never be able to make a relationship work’ rollercoaster, the emotions would become so overwhelming that the coping mechanisms- and yes I use the term loosely- I developed didn’t allow any growth to occur. Instead they fostered patterns of behavior which in turn, kept me trapped in the patterns of behavior! I was a malfunctioning circuit!

To avoid pain, people may engage in any or a combination of the following behaviours:

·       Binge eat

·       Stop eating or crash diet

·       Grab whatever man is nearby and flirt to get approval needs met

·       Grab whatever man was nearby and begin a relationship without giving any time to recover from the last one

·       Go back to any men rejected in the past for some attention and recognition of desirability

·       Drink and be reckless

·       Stay at home and sob

·       Not ask for help from friends and family and then resent them when they didn’t offer any

·       Swear off men entirely and reinforce the belief that ‘all men are bastards’

·       Not admit any pain to others by talking about the ex as ‘the bastard who I am glad to be rid of’

I did any number of these things to mask the angst or pain because I believed I couldn’t cope with it. Because we are trained to see that pain is bad and we should fix it, stop it or mask it as soon as we feel it. What do most people do if they get a headache? Think about why the headache came about and how to fix it or prevent future ones? Nope. The general response is to grab a pain killer. Our society is built on the premise that pain = bad.

The irony in this situation is that often, the avoidance of feeling the initial pain creates more pain. We end up with memories we don’t want, kilos we don’t want, relationships we don’t want, or much much worse by engaging in activities that are unhealthy in order to stop ourselves from thinking about the perceived loss in our lives. God, I know men and women who have even gotten married to other people while in a shame spiral after a break up and have bought babies into the world only to face the inevitable demise of the rebound relationship too! But this time with children, divorce, mortgages, etc.

Even though it doesn’t feel like it, a break up gives us the perfect opportunity to clean up our ‘stuff’. I mean, it’s all laid out, right there for us to see if we can bear to look. It’s like our emotional suitcases that we carry with us all of a sudden burst open and our 'stuff' flies everywhere. We can quickly chuck all our stuff back in the suitcases, tape them closed and keep going, or we can actually take the time to go through the stuff we have been keeping in our suitcases and carrying around with us every day. We can throw some things out. Replace some items. Heck, we may even decide we want to chuck the whole lot out and start again! And the more we look, the more we find things we didn’t even know we were carrying!

Having the opportunity to explore our past relationships is key to creating new ones that more closely fit the bill for what we want for ourselves. I have a very good friend of mine who admitted that her dream man is someone who takes her to dinner, opens the car door for her, pays the bill, kisses her gently goodnight…a traditional gentleman in short. And yet she keeps attracting dipshits who behave in the opposite way because that is what feels comfortable for her. Truthfully, if she met the man she had always dreamed of who treated her the way she hoped he would, she would probably push him away because his actions would feel so foreign to her that she would immediately retreat from the situation. Tough to hear but I promise you it’s true. In order for my friend to find this man and actually want to keep him, she has to dissect her old relationships, examine her patterns and make conscious decisions about what she wants and does not want for her future. She has to concentrate on how it will feel for a man to do those things for her and become comfortable with it. She has to identify and consciously release patterns and behavior that are not getting her the results she wants. We all do. And break ups are the perfect time because all our stuff is right there, raw and exposed.

For this healing to take place, we need to be really kind to ourselves and get ourselves to a place where we feel safe enough to actually go through our ‘stuff,’ whatever that may be. We need to stay alert to our ‘stuff’ as it comes up, almost as scientific observers. “Gee, I feel like throwing a brick through his windscreen, that’s interesting” kind of thing, not actually responding to our whims by going and doing something disastrous! Or, ‘gee, I feel totally and utterly useless right now’. Knowing how our thoughts work is key to achieving this ‘observable state’ which then means we get the chance to go through our stuff because we are not so caught up in it. This will be dissected in the next blog to come shortly….

Until then, if you aren’t getting what you want out of your relationships, it’s time to ask yourself why. And answer it-HONESTLY! You might want to ask your family or friends if they notice any behavior patterns or types of men you choose. Be warned, their answers could be painful but will likely provide valuable insights. Draw, dot point or journal (whatever helps you to think best) the type of relationship you crave. Looking at your patterns, what changes or behaviours do you need to get rid of to have it or make it work?

These discoveries can be life changing and depending on how far we go inward our revelations about ourselves can be mind blowing. On this journey I discovered I had an innate hatred of men which I developed growing up in a house with a mother who was very bitter over twenty years of marriage and a bad divorce. I had to consciously take gender out of all my comments and instead of saying things unconsciously such as ‘all men are bastards’ when commiserating with a friend, I am now conscious to say something like ‘yes, some people can be capable of some very bad behavior.’ Sounds like a little thing, but this belief permeated every encounter I had with men! Similarly, I had to release my belief that relationships equal drama, having grown up watching my parents engage in big, dramatic fights and realise that I actually wanted an easy-going relationship without the massive highs and lows.

Becoming conscious of beliefs like the ones I mentioned above and many, many ingrained behavioural patterns which were no longer working for me (putting their needs over my own, for example), I was able to make conscious choices to change those things and subsequently attracted a man who is more aligned with the characteristics I crave for my future. I am not saying it didn’t feel a bit strange at first, but I know I never would have been able to try things with him had I not sorted out my ‘stuff’ beforehand because it would have felt very abnormal being with a grounded and centered person if I was still functioning from my old belief and behavior system which craved drama and tumultuousness.



My emotional mantra! It's from the movie Whip It! "Why don't you be your own hero?"

Break ups allow us to go through this process and decide where our actions and choices are misaligned with what we say we want for ourselves. And the results are surprising. If we are not getting what we say we want, it is because- I promise- there are old patterns or destructive beliefs in the way. Give yourself time. Give yourself honesty. Go through your stuff and release what is no longer working for you. You wouldn’t hang on to an old dress you no longer wore or no longer suited you, you’d get rid of it to make room for the clothes you love. Do the same with your relationship ‘stuff.’ It’s an investment that really will change your life.

Til next we speak, butterfly kisses!

Wyld.