You Have No Power Over Me.

Are you familiar with the infamous plot-line in a variety of pop-culture films where the protagonist is caught between one world and another and can’t get back? Those who are of my vintage will remember the classic example, Labyrinth, where Sarah struggles on a journey to find her brother, through endless mazes to meet and beat the Goblin King. On the way she learns about friendship, unfairness, but most importantly she learns trust in herself. Her killer line that shatters and disintegrates the Goblin King and sends her hurtling back into the world she belongs to has to be one of the best lines in a movie EVER: “You have no power over me”. I love this line so much and often recall this scene in my mind if I am struggling with a person or situation. I just adore this entire film from start to finish, not to mention the life-long addiction to mauve make-up the masquerade ball scene inspired. I must own every shade of mauve eye-shadow in human existence.


Labyrinth. Forever a classic.

I adore this plot line because it encapsulates the struggle that many of us can feel when we are on the journey to making a change and haven’t quite gotten there yet. It also highlights the struggle faced by those who have suffered a great deal of trauma in their lives, from one single ordeal, an entire childhood, or a whole lifetime. Often people who have experienced trauma find that they can distance themselves from it sufficiently to create another life, a life which almost seems incongruent to what they may have seen or lived through. However, the trauma and the resulting self-protective behaviours can rear their ugly heads during times of emotional turmoil, when events trigger deep emotions or when an individual is feeling threatened or backed into a corner. It is in the midst, or shortly after these moments, that one may ask themselves: “does the Goblin King really have no power over me?”



Sarah, in the midst of her journey, coming face to face with the Goblin King.
Photo taken from: http://www.samanthapeach.co.uk/wordpress/



 

It is almost a feeling of being stuck. Knowing a better way but not being able to move there permanently. Here’s my theory on this one: We attract what we think about, right? We might know on one level that we can achieve a certain life, and we might even believe we are owed it after suffering a quantifiable amount of hardship. Now allow me to make a crude distinction. I am not referring to those who live with a chip in their shoulder, believing that life owes them something and other people should pay for their crappy life or crappy choices. No, I am referring to those who opted for the sweaty way out of a situation. Most prominently, those who worked for it. Hard slog. Achievement after achievement, those who banked away small credits that would eventually be able to be cashed in for a special life. The life they have been working towards. And this picture varies for individuals. For some it is travel and living blissfully without an address. For others it exists in a picket fence, with their partners name emblazoned across the mailbox. For some, it lies in the attainment of a ‘perfect’ family. Whatever the dream is, the chips have been cashed in and the prominent features of this dream have appeared.

Image taken from: www.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk 

Over the years, the coping skills have increased, the social circle has changed, the economic status has risen, the social credits have rolled in, the affirmations have arrived. Yet somehow, some moments can trigger a total recall of all that has been learned and achieved and daylight witnesses the emergence of a sad, scared, wounded soul- whatever this may look like for different people. It is in these moments people can sink into a nothingness. A black hole which threatens to engulf all that has been rightfully earned and learned. I have a name for this. It’s the influence of ‘modern power’. This ridiculous idea that others ‘have it all together’. Others can somehow deal with all these situations. Others can ride through life flawlessly. It’s this mind-numbing and inhuman ideology that is rampant through our culture that we should somehow have everything 'together'. All aspects of our lives ‘should’ be in control. Other people can do it, why can’t I? It is a complete fallacy that is shoved down our necks constantly. Facebook is a prime example. Yes it’s a great way to stay in touch, but it also gives the impression that everyone is happy all the time. Except those who use it as an emotional outlet for every thought that runs through their heads. Be honest, we all keep a few of those on our friend list simply because it makes a great daily narrative. However, the gossip aside, we see people living it up on holidays, being perfect mothers raising perfect children, people changing the world through various events and starting or helping charity organizations, and people posting vomit-worthy pictures of happy couple-dom. Yes, I am guilty of the latter. And one need only turn on the television for two minutes to have all their worst fears confirmed by advertising: everyone else has it together and if you just had this phone, diet pill, cleaning product or clothing, you would too. This is one of the reasons I do not have my television connected!

This is all nonsense. That feeling of being stuck, coming undone or not coping in a given situation is not unique to us in a single moment. Its common and everyone goes through it. It’s just that no one talks about it. No one is posting photos on Facebook of their kids screaming, their house in a shambles and the empty packets of TimTams they just consumed to try stay sane. Sure, there a photos of gorgeous groups of girls sipping pretty cocktails, but ain't no one posting photos of the morning after! Imagine a dinner party where someone announced; “yes, I am newlywed and I have some doubts about my role in this thing.” Everyone would go silent. Wanna know how I know? From experience! And this was at a table of friends! Who I will now call pseudo-friends. As a side note: pseudo friends are those who like to gloss over the muddy moments of life and go straight to the high-gloss. The people who you feel that if you put under any sort of heat would melt like plastic. These are the people around whom you tend to feel a little less certain of yourself.

"Really? Am I the only one?"

We are simply not taught to unpack the rough stuff and certainly not in public! Yet everyone goes through it. Everyone has those moments where they find themselves in a situation that they actively created and yet don’t know what to do with. Think of Charlotte in Sex N the City 2 (yes, I watched it, it’s not as bad the second time through, or the third or fourth...). She wanted children desperately and yet found herself sobbing in the pantry cupboard one day, unsure of how to manage her competing roles on that day. And I stress ‘on that day’ because this happens to all of us at one point or another. And to say it doesn’t either makes us a liar, inhuman, or without personal goals.

My point is this: we are all on a journey. We are all ‘killing the Goblin King’ in the bigger sense when we work towards a personal goal. Those moments let us have the chance to realize that we are getting somewhere. We may be tired, under siege and managing many things that lead us to a not-so-glamorous moment, but these are NORMAL! And when a moment like this appears in our lives, rather than feel shame or punish ourselves for not having everything together like others do (which they don’t), we need to look at these moments as the Goblin King appearing. “You have no power over me.” The moment has come, it’s gone, and we continue towards our goal in the style in which we have worked so hard to achieve and the style in which we want to become accustomed.

Punishment, self-loathing and regret only serve to propel us backwards. They tell us we don’t deserve to be a certain way or that we haven’t learned or achieved what we have. Allow them no power. The moment was simply a normal facet or outlet of a busy and goal oriented life.

Face the Goblin King, dead-on. Look him in the eye and pronounce with pride “you have no power over me.” Follow this with a reinforcement activity that is of value to you. An activity that brings you joy because it validates your higher purpose, the path you are on, or the dream you are working towards. It may be quality time with your family, working on an art piece, wearing something glamorous, writing, exercising, or any pursuit that brings you joy because it value-adds to your life. The words and the action will kill that Goblin King, before he can take hold and do any damage that may cause doubt, regret or regression. A glitch in the system is normal. Not a breakdown. Just re-boot, and all will be just fine and dandy. Remember sweet friend, no one has it together all of the time. Next time you’re at a dinner party, picture the most primped up, over perfected person there having a complete breakdown, Britney style. Guaranteed it’s not far from reality at one point or another.

Till next time, love and butterfly kisses. Wyld.

Grab the Balloon. It's time to let go of what doesn't matter.

There comes a time when, for whatever reason, we need to let go of whatever it is we have been hanging on to, retelling, berating ourselves about, punishing another for and generally allowing the big pain in our asses to stay put, and hell, even sometimes shoving it back up there ourselves because we get so used to it!

 

This article is about letting it go. Not with poise, glamour and grace, but picking it up (metaphorically speaking) swearing at it, thanking it for whatever its purpose was, and then kicking it the curb like last season’s fluro knits with shoulder pads. You know the speech, “ yeah, thanks, it was super for a while (was it really?), but I’m moving on.” That kinda thing.

 

Walk away from whatever or whoever it may be that no longer serves you.
Image from flickr.com

There  comes a point, and for me it was my mid thirties, where I just ceased to continue to give things that didn’t matter energy as though they did. I stopped questioning my every thought, worrying about what people might think or what might happen in the future, and I just let go.

 

Although at this point I must say that I feel that ‘let go’ is a slight misnomer because I didn’t so much ‘let go’ of stuff, as I did hold tighter to my own view and interpretation of the world. I liken this to an image I once saw where a little girl clung tightly to a balloon and stared intently, so intently in fact, that the balloon started to lift her off the ground. All she could see was the awesomeness of the balloon. The balloon, for me, symbolized the present moment and every bit of energy and focus the little girl had went into dissecting the balloon for every fragment of beauty it contained. She didn’t worry about what it used to be, or what it would become, or whether it would deflate, she just soaked it in. She loved it completely and was completely in the moment.

 

Lift with Lightness.
Stunning image from Jonathon LeVine Gallery.

Letting go of needless baggage has this same lightening effect. Depending on the load we drop we really can feel like our feet are lifting off the ground. I know a woman who recently gave up her quest for this certain weight that she thought she believed she should be in order to experience happiness, because she realized that she actually found other women with her frame very attractive. She didn’t really believe, in her own heart of hearts, that she needed to be thinner, but she had been seduced in thinking that she did by a number of influential people and factors in her world. We are all guilty of this at some point. Whether its punishing ourselves for being single, when we secretly enjoy it (but may not know it), or staying in a certain job not realizing that the security it offers means more to us than experiencing the uncertainty of trying something new.

 

Letting go is simply about choosing to value certain voices in our heads more than we do others. And perhaps these others have pervaded our minds and thoughts for quite some time. Our mother's disapproving passive aggression leads us to question the motives and intent of everything that is said around us. The experiences of a few gigantic dickheads in our past leads us to hear that all men are untrustworthy. The few harsh words from a past employer can pervade our current work even though we have had years of experience and growth in between. Hear them. Name where they come from. Let them go.

 

I found a conversation I had recently with a woman at my local swimming pool astoundingly insightful and provocative. This delightful soul, who I shall nickname ‘Birdie’ told me that whenever she calls her mother via Skype, she wears a scarf knitted for her by loved ones, to cloak her in love, and holds a saucepan lid in front of her belly. I asked her, "why a saucepan near your belly?" She replied that she felt her mother’s verbal attacks mostly in her stomach. She used the saucepan lid as a physical shield to metaphorically deflect the blasts. Birdie decided that rather than take her mother’s comments on board any more, she would simply deflect them, and used a physical object to help her remember to do so.

 

We can do exactly the same thing! Perhaps not by carrying a saucepan at our bellies, but with an amulet or other chosen object to remind us of a new way of thinking. A preferred identity if you want to use the psychotherapist terminology for it. You might carry a rock in your pocket, like on the movie ‘Mental’ to remind you of an experience. Or wear a piece of jewellery to remind you of your worth, like in Breakfast at Tiffany’s. You might hold something dear that was given to you by someone you admire, like Judd Nelson in the Breakfast Club. You might decide that every time you look at your watch you will remember a statement that takes you closer to what you want. Heck you might decide that you always feel best when your fringe looks fierce and never to leave the house without it combed properly. Whatever it takes to help you feel your best, think your best and release what and who no longer works for you, do it!

 

Now is the time. There will never be another time just like this time. It’s time to stop hating what is wrong with now, and instead accepting it as a flaw and graceful component of a gift of a moment you will never have again. Imagine a  birthmark on a diamond or on a face, it's there so will you always know it belongs to you. The only gems without flaws are those made in factories and those are cheap. Why? Because they are false and manufactured. Right now you are in the middle of a diamond. It doesn’t really matter what is going on, just change your mind about it. Recognise it for what it is and know that you have the strength to create what you want out of it. The alternatives to this are not pleasant.

 

It really is time to let it go. Holding on to a story that isn’t working for you any more? An illness? An injury? A person? A job? A relationship? A bunch of stuff? Let it all go. Just keep your eye on the balloon and float away with lightness.

 

 

Dedicated to my longstanding friend who stands no more. May your balloon carry you to the heavens you never found on Earth. xox
Picture from guineveregetssober.com 

 With love and butterfly kisses, Wyld. xxx