2014: The Year of the Inner Child.

This year, 2013, swamped in a list of to-do’s and must-achieves, my inner child (the one who loves to suck on lolly pops while playing on the swing and blowing bubbles) packed up and moved out. It didn’t happen straight away. She hung around for a while, trying to sneak out of her room on weekends, only to be yelled at: ‘there is too much to do, just go to your room’. One day in September, she packed her nap-sack with the toys she could carry and left home. Quietly, she snuck out the window and I had to no idea where she went. All I could feel was this tight knot inside my stomach, a pulsing across my chest and an ache in my heart telling me she was no longer in residence.

Instead, the presence of a new house guest pervaded my waking moments. A time-limited, tired, stressed out, grumpy woman moved in and, without asking, removed all the play time from my inner child. This woman found faults in everything. In people, in items, in situations, but most vigorously, she found faults in herself. This tired woman grew wearier, weaker, sadder and angrier, and began to wish she had given the little girl time to play. ‘Perhaps she would have stayed a little longer…’ the old woman lamented.

"Off with your head!"

Luckily, the little girl was only hiding under the house, waiting and listening for the old woman’s tears of sorrow, begging for her to return. And return she did in the form of a long pink bubble wand and a pair of soft pink wings embroidered with satin stars. A gift from my husband who knew all I needed was to laugh for a while…

No-one is ever too old for a  wand, some bubbles and a set fairy wings. It's just a fact.

After a while, the knot in my stomach began to undo and the tightness in my chest began to loosen. My inner child took up permanent residence again and I learnt to remember to let her out to play for more often. The grumbly old woman is dying a slow death, but she is in the basement so she makes less noise these days.

During this time I came to a number of conclusions, and had to unlearn some false truths I had been living by in order to continue to silence the old woman. I share these with you in the hope that one or more of these ring true for you, and maybe make your 2014 a little more playful.

1. What I learned through this ordeal is that so often we are far, far too hard on ourselves. This abrasive approach to our lives can tip us over the edge during times when our resilience is low and we can find ourselves washed up on the shore, battered, bruised and barely conscious. We can push, thrash and berate ourselves, not stopping to notice what we have done right, but agonising long and hard over the things we feel we failed to do, or didn’t do correctly. This is a personal habit that can grow so slowly, we do not even know it is happening. We can also live or work in environments that contribute to this state of being. A negative workplace culture can wreak havoc on our senses. If we have been immersed for some time, we might not even realise the damage that a place or the people which co-habit it are having on our psyche.

2. Just because we can do it, doesn’t mean we should. We might be smart enough, driven enough or in a circle elite enough to have/do/be a certain thing. This doesn’t mean that it is good for us or that our psyches will enjoy it. Some people are just too sensitive or too creative or too ‘something’ to thrive and be happy in some roles. If it won’t contribute to joy, the title/thing is not worth it.

3. Other people do not have it all together. Whatever happy-clappy-crap people might post on their public profiles, no-one has it all together. Everybody, in more areas than one, is a just a bit fucked up. Some more than others. But everyone is. From the professor who cuts herself because sometimes her mental demons get too loud, to the woman grieving for a baby she feels she has no right to grieve for, to the man who gets himself in obscene debt trying to buy happiness, to the mother who resents and belittles her child, to the woman deriving purpose from being able to rigidly control her food intake, to the woman who has dreams she is afraid she won’t achieve so instead builds a family as a convenient excuse not to go for what she wants. Everybody, regardless of their status updates, is hiding a little piece of ‘fucked up.’ And that’s just fine and dandy.

A little bit of 'broken' is a very good thing.

4. It’s easy to keep doing something that isn’t working for us because we are afraid of the alternative. Everyone who has an issue, be it weight, relationship, lack of purpose, shitty job, no money, can do something to change their situation. The truth is, we are often- bizarrely- more afraid of how succeeding will affect and change our lives than we are of maintaining the status quo and knowing what to expect.

5. Nothing in this world is going to feel like real and lasting happiness unless we are going for what we want on a reasonably consistent basis. Picture a happiness bank account. When we make a choice that is congruent with what we want/picture/dream/hope for our lives, we make a deposit. Some are big deposits, others are smaller. But they all add up. Conversely, if what we say we want and what we do are incongruous, we withdraw from our happiness bank account.  It’s very easy to get caught up in what has no meaning at all. Real happiness actually has little to do with present moment and more to do with what we build in our lives over time. Muhammad Ali once said  “I hated every minute of training, but I said, 'Don't quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.' Awesome!

6. Dimming who we are is fucking pointless. Because really, who cares what someone thinks? In order to be remarkable, we have to be remarked upon. If someone wants to say something, let them! The oddity is, many of us spend time and energy trying to hide the coolest parts of ourselves because our in-laws, colleagues, neighbours or acquaintances might dislike us. But these aspects of us really are what make us- us! They make us quirky, give us style, define our goals, foster our creativity. I am sick of worrying about the opinions of anyone else. I am loud. I like weird vintage clothing and strange hats. I get weird around Christmas and birthdays. I enjoy wearing fairy wings while watering the garden and loudly singing the songs playing on my iPod. I get nervous around my in-laws and, when stressed, I recall scenes from The Young Ones and randomly laugh out-loud to a scene no one else can see. I discuss what I am going to wear each day with my dog, as he watches what I choose from my wardrobe. I know most of the lines from The Wizard of Oz and can recite scenes on cue. I am a big nerd and love studying and there is nothing cooler than doing research and discussing ideology with others. I have a polka-dot fetish and I still read Dr Seuss. I believe that if I keep writing, the audience will come. There. I have said it all. My freak-flag is flying high. Whoopy!

"You look fine, mum. But does this Tiara make me look fat?"

If 2013 was the year of ‘head down, bum up’, 2014 is going to be the year of ‘head up, thumbs up.’ I refuse to be negative about myself or take on the negativity of others in my environment, understanding that I can simply change my self-talk or my physical location if I so choose. I refuse to take on mammoth loads or roles that bring out parts of myself I don’t like, knowing that just because I can do something, does not mean I should in any way. I refuse to take on the negativity of others with the understanding that their own ‘fucked up-ness’ is just coming out to play. I refuse to whine about something on a continual basis unless I am actually making a concerted effort to change it as I know that while things remain the same, I am accepting the status quo. I refuse to spend time or energy on things that will not contribute to my overall goals for a happy life, knowing that which does not giveth, taketh away. I refuse to stifle my own laughter or hide my flaws as I understand that letting my own freak-flag-fly is half the fun. After all, if you put a candle inside two pots, more light is going to shine through the cracked pot than the one still intact. This year, my friends, my hope for all of us is that we can live as brightly-lit cracked pots, each with our very own happy inner child! Here’s to 2014!

In 2014, give your inner child a safe and happy place to play. Acknowledgements to sophlylaughing. blogspot.com via google for the image. 

Till next time, love and butterfly kisses. Wyld. xx

You Have No Power Over Me.

Are you familiar with the infamous plot-line in a variety of pop-culture films where the protagonist is caught between one world and another and can’t get back? Those who are of my vintage will remember the classic example, Labyrinth, where Sarah struggles on a journey to find her brother, through endless mazes to meet and beat the Goblin King. On the way she learns about friendship, unfairness, but most importantly she learns trust in herself. Her killer line that shatters and disintegrates the Goblin King and sends her hurtling back into the world she belongs to has to be one of the best lines in a movie EVER: “You have no power over me”. I love this line so much and often recall this scene in my mind if I am struggling with a person or situation. I just adore this entire film from start to finish, not to mention the life-long addiction to mauve make-up the masquerade ball scene inspired. I must own every shade of mauve eye-shadow in human existence.


Labyrinth. Forever a classic.

I adore this plot line because it encapsulates the struggle that many of us can feel when we are on the journey to making a change and haven’t quite gotten there yet. It also highlights the struggle faced by those who have suffered a great deal of trauma in their lives, from one single ordeal, an entire childhood, or a whole lifetime. Often people who have experienced trauma find that they can distance themselves from it sufficiently to create another life, a life which almost seems incongruent to what they may have seen or lived through. However, the trauma and the resulting self-protective behaviours can rear their ugly heads during times of emotional turmoil, when events trigger deep emotions or when an individual is feeling threatened or backed into a corner. It is in the midst, or shortly after these moments, that one may ask themselves: “does the Goblin King really have no power over me?”



Sarah, in the midst of her journey, coming face to face with the Goblin King.
Photo taken from: http://www.samanthapeach.co.uk/wordpress/



 

It is almost a feeling of being stuck. Knowing a better way but not being able to move there permanently. Here’s my theory on this one: We attract what we think about, right? We might know on one level that we can achieve a certain life, and we might even believe we are owed it after suffering a quantifiable amount of hardship. Now allow me to make a crude distinction. I am not referring to those who live with a chip in their shoulder, believing that life owes them something and other people should pay for their crappy life or crappy choices. No, I am referring to those who opted for the sweaty way out of a situation. Most prominently, those who worked for it. Hard slog. Achievement after achievement, those who banked away small credits that would eventually be able to be cashed in for a special life. The life they have been working towards. And this picture varies for individuals. For some it is travel and living blissfully without an address. For others it exists in a picket fence, with their partners name emblazoned across the mailbox. For some, it lies in the attainment of a ‘perfect’ family. Whatever the dream is, the chips have been cashed in and the prominent features of this dream have appeared.

Image taken from: www.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk 

Over the years, the coping skills have increased, the social circle has changed, the economic status has risen, the social credits have rolled in, the affirmations have arrived. Yet somehow, some moments can trigger a total recall of all that has been learned and achieved and daylight witnesses the emergence of a sad, scared, wounded soul- whatever this may look like for different people. It is in these moments people can sink into a nothingness. A black hole which threatens to engulf all that has been rightfully earned and learned. I have a name for this. It’s the influence of ‘modern power’. This ridiculous idea that others ‘have it all together’. Others can somehow deal with all these situations. Others can ride through life flawlessly. It’s this mind-numbing and inhuman ideology that is rampant through our culture that we should somehow have everything 'together'. All aspects of our lives ‘should’ be in control. Other people can do it, why can’t I? It is a complete fallacy that is shoved down our necks constantly. Facebook is a prime example. Yes it’s a great way to stay in touch, but it also gives the impression that everyone is happy all the time. Except those who use it as an emotional outlet for every thought that runs through their heads. Be honest, we all keep a few of those on our friend list simply because it makes a great daily narrative. However, the gossip aside, we see people living it up on holidays, being perfect mothers raising perfect children, people changing the world through various events and starting or helping charity organizations, and people posting vomit-worthy pictures of happy couple-dom. Yes, I am guilty of the latter. And one need only turn on the television for two minutes to have all their worst fears confirmed by advertising: everyone else has it together and if you just had this phone, diet pill, cleaning product or clothing, you would too. This is one of the reasons I do not have my television connected!

This is all nonsense. That feeling of being stuck, coming undone or not coping in a given situation is not unique to us in a single moment. Its common and everyone goes through it. It’s just that no one talks about it. No one is posting photos on Facebook of their kids screaming, their house in a shambles and the empty packets of TimTams they just consumed to try stay sane. Sure, there a photos of gorgeous groups of girls sipping pretty cocktails, but ain't no one posting photos of the morning after! Imagine a dinner party where someone announced; “yes, I am newlywed and I have some doubts about my role in this thing.” Everyone would go silent. Wanna know how I know? From experience! And this was at a table of friends! Who I will now call pseudo-friends. As a side note: pseudo friends are those who like to gloss over the muddy moments of life and go straight to the high-gloss. The people who you feel that if you put under any sort of heat would melt like plastic. These are the people around whom you tend to feel a little less certain of yourself.

"Really? Am I the only one?"

We are simply not taught to unpack the rough stuff and certainly not in public! Yet everyone goes through it. Everyone has those moments where they find themselves in a situation that they actively created and yet don’t know what to do with. Think of Charlotte in Sex N the City 2 (yes, I watched it, it’s not as bad the second time through, or the third or fourth...). She wanted children desperately and yet found herself sobbing in the pantry cupboard one day, unsure of how to manage her competing roles on that day. And I stress ‘on that day’ because this happens to all of us at one point or another. And to say it doesn’t either makes us a liar, inhuman, or without personal goals.

My point is this: we are all on a journey. We are all ‘killing the Goblin King’ in the bigger sense when we work towards a personal goal. Those moments let us have the chance to realize that we are getting somewhere. We may be tired, under siege and managing many things that lead us to a not-so-glamorous moment, but these are NORMAL! And when a moment like this appears in our lives, rather than feel shame or punish ourselves for not having everything together like others do (which they don’t), we need to look at these moments as the Goblin King appearing. “You have no power over me.” The moment has come, it’s gone, and we continue towards our goal in the style in which we have worked so hard to achieve and the style in which we want to become accustomed.

Punishment, self-loathing and regret only serve to propel us backwards. They tell us we don’t deserve to be a certain way or that we haven’t learned or achieved what we have. Allow them no power. The moment was simply a normal facet or outlet of a busy and goal oriented life.

Face the Goblin King, dead-on. Look him in the eye and pronounce with pride “you have no power over me.” Follow this with a reinforcement activity that is of value to you. An activity that brings you joy because it validates your higher purpose, the path you are on, or the dream you are working towards. It may be quality time with your family, working on an art piece, wearing something glamorous, writing, exercising, or any pursuit that brings you joy because it value-adds to your life. The words and the action will kill that Goblin King, before he can take hold and do any damage that may cause doubt, regret or regression. A glitch in the system is normal. Not a breakdown. Just re-boot, and all will be just fine and dandy. Remember sweet friend, no one has it together all of the time. Next time you’re at a dinner party, picture the most primped up, over perfected person there having a complete breakdown, Britney style. Guaranteed it’s not far from reality at one point or another.

Till next time, love and butterfly kisses. Wyld.

Grab the Balloon. It's time to let go of what doesn't matter.

There comes a time when, for whatever reason, we need to let go of whatever it is we have been hanging on to, retelling, berating ourselves about, punishing another for and generally allowing the big pain in our asses to stay put, and hell, even sometimes shoving it back up there ourselves because we get so used to it!

 

This article is about letting it go. Not with poise, glamour and grace, but picking it up (metaphorically speaking) swearing at it, thanking it for whatever its purpose was, and then kicking it the curb like last season’s fluro knits with shoulder pads. You know the speech, “ yeah, thanks, it was super for a while (was it really?), but I’m moving on.” That kinda thing.

 

Walk away from whatever or whoever it may be that no longer serves you.
Image from flickr.com

There  comes a point, and for me it was my mid thirties, where I just ceased to continue to give things that didn’t matter energy as though they did. I stopped questioning my every thought, worrying about what people might think or what might happen in the future, and I just let go.

 

Although at this point I must say that I feel that ‘let go’ is a slight misnomer because I didn’t so much ‘let go’ of stuff, as I did hold tighter to my own view and interpretation of the world. I liken this to an image I once saw where a little girl clung tightly to a balloon and stared intently, so intently in fact, that the balloon started to lift her off the ground. All she could see was the awesomeness of the balloon. The balloon, for me, symbolized the present moment and every bit of energy and focus the little girl had went into dissecting the balloon for every fragment of beauty it contained. She didn’t worry about what it used to be, or what it would become, or whether it would deflate, she just soaked it in. She loved it completely and was completely in the moment.

 

Lift with Lightness.
Stunning image from Jonathon LeVine Gallery.

Letting go of needless baggage has this same lightening effect. Depending on the load we drop we really can feel like our feet are lifting off the ground. I know a woman who recently gave up her quest for this certain weight that she thought she believed she should be in order to experience happiness, because she realized that she actually found other women with her frame very attractive. She didn’t really believe, in her own heart of hearts, that she needed to be thinner, but she had been seduced in thinking that she did by a number of influential people and factors in her world. We are all guilty of this at some point. Whether its punishing ourselves for being single, when we secretly enjoy it (but may not know it), or staying in a certain job not realizing that the security it offers means more to us than experiencing the uncertainty of trying something new.

 

Letting go is simply about choosing to value certain voices in our heads more than we do others. And perhaps these others have pervaded our minds and thoughts for quite some time. Our mother's disapproving passive aggression leads us to question the motives and intent of everything that is said around us. The experiences of a few gigantic dickheads in our past leads us to hear that all men are untrustworthy. The few harsh words from a past employer can pervade our current work even though we have had years of experience and growth in between. Hear them. Name where they come from. Let them go.

 

I found a conversation I had recently with a woman at my local swimming pool astoundingly insightful and provocative. This delightful soul, who I shall nickname ‘Birdie’ told me that whenever she calls her mother via Skype, she wears a scarf knitted for her by loved ones, to cloak her in love, and holds a saucepan lid in front of her belly. I asked her, "why a saucepan near your belly?" She replied that she felt her mother’s verbal attacks mostly in her stomach. She used the saucepan lid as a physical shield to metaphorically deflect the blasts. Birdie decided that rather than take her mother’s comments on board any more, she would simply deflect them, and used a physical object to help her remember to do so.

 

We can do exactly the same thing! Perhaps not by carrying a saucepan at our bellies, but with an amulet or other chosen object to remind us of a new way of thinking. A preferred identity if you want to use the psychotherapist terminology for it. You might carry a rock in your pocket, like on the movie ‘Mental’ to remind you of an experience. Or wear a piece of jewellery to remind you of your worth, like in Breakfast at Tiffany’s. You might hold something dear that was given to you by someone you admire, like Judd Nelson in the Breakfast Club. You might decide that every time you look at your watch you will remember a statement that takes you closer to what you want. Heck you might decide that you always feel best when your fringe looks fierce and never to leave the house without it combed properly. Whatever it takes to help you feel your best, think your best and release what and who no longer works for you, do it!

 

Now is the time. There will never be another time just like this time. It’s time to stop hating what is wrong with now, and instead accepting it as a flaw and graceful component of a gift of a moment you will never have again. Imagine a  birthmark on a diamond or on a face, it's there so will you always know it belongs to you. The only gems without flaws are those made in factories and those are cheap. Why? Because they are false and manufactured. Right now you are in the middle of a diamond. It doesn’t really matter what is going on, just change your mind about it. Recognise it for what it is and know that you have the strength to create what you want out of it. The alternatives to this are not pleasant.

 

It really is time to let it go. Holding on to a story that isn’t working for you any more? An illness? An injury? A person? A job? A relationship? A bunch of stuff? Let it all go. Just keep your eye on the balloon and float away with lightness.

 

 

Dedicated to my longstanding friend who stands no more. May your balloon carry you to the heavens you never found on Earth. xox
Picture from guineveregetssober.com 

 With love and butterfly kisses, Wyld. xxx

 

 

Fairy-Tail: The Undercarriage of Marriage

I am a straight shooter. I always have been, and having that kind of mouth and philosophy in life isn’t always appreciated. In fact- annoyingly- I often find that people think I am pessimistic or unhappy when I share something that is not covered in fairy floss and sprinkles. However this is far from true. I believe in love and fairy wings as much as the next person.

However, well- versed from the school of hard-knocks and a healthy dose of perfectionism, I am realist. Uncharacteristic for a Piscean, I know!

So I with that in mind I will state this upfront: what you are about to read flies in the face of romance. It is the most unromantic philosophy of marriage you are likely to come across. BUT: it is the stuff of lasting love and fulfillment! If this intrigues you, read on…But if you believe that fairy tales begin with a kiss and end with a ‘happily ever after’, turn off your computer as quickly as you can and go bury your nose in an actual fairytale! For this piece, my friend, details the undercarriage of marriage, or -more crudely- the tail-end of marriage… The stuff they never ever tell you…

There is absolutely no course that can totally prepare us for marriage. Why? Two main reasons: marriage is an entity to itself and we encounter things in marriage that we can never anticipate; and there is no lesson in life that teaches you as much as the one that takes place ‘on the job’, because when we are ‘on the job’ the information is immediately relevant and useful. 

You see, hubby and I did ‘Evenings for the Engaged’ before we got married. We found the classes pleasant but fairly useless- adequate at best. We read several books on marriage and diligently discussed each chapter. We talked about family planning and finances and active listening and all the obvious topics of conversation for the pre-marrieds. Having armed ourselves with the knowledge of a few well-known books, being 30+ and already living together, we had our bases covered- or so we thought! As I said, marriage takes you places and confronts you with things you couldn’t have imagined or planned for. This is, incidentally, the pleasure and the pain of marriage.

Even though we have only been married for 13 months, we have had our fair share of wicked surprises, challenges and upheavals. Each situation showed us new aspects of each other that we had not seen before and ways that we both operate differently and outside of what we had expected. You might call these the intermittent series of disappointments which lead me to realize the key to marriage… And here it is:

We each bring a well developed image of what marriage is, does and looks like into our relationships. We bring along a highly articulate job description for our partner and also one for ourselves! For ease, let’s combine these two and call them our ‘marriage schema’.

Our marriage schemas have been developing from birth. They are based on our age, background, upbringing, what we learned from the adults around us as we grew up, and what pop-culture and fairytales dragged into our innocent little heads.Everything we absorb-consciously and unconsciously- from the world we live in develops our marriage schema and everything we have learned and experienced injects data.  All of this information is melted down and forms the expectations we set for our marriage, for our partners and for ourselves. Our schema’s are complex and we are usually blithely unaware of the contents! 

This is why, statistically, those that experienced divorce growing up are more likely to divorce. Similarly those in violent relationships are statistically likely to be repeating patterns that they learned from a young age about what a relationship looks like and how partners treat each other.

Marriage is a business partnership. As unattractive as it sounds, it is the joining of two lives, two sets of dreams, goals, finances, assets and most importantly, it is two people assigning roles to each other. Roles that each person has clearly defined in their minds- even though they don’t realize it at the time. In this sense, marriage really is 'employing' someone who we love but also who we believe has the skill set to help us build a fulfilling and happy life.

It is these ‘job descriptions’ or expectations that people have built that cause disappointment to arise. Why else would one person in one marriage be happy to manage finances and another person in another marriage resent that same role? Because their schema’s are different. One person expected and wanted to adopt that role, while another expected it to be the role of their partner.

Although we are writing a job description for our partner from birth, we are not aware of the fine detail in which it exits. Much of it is entirely unconscious. It’s like the image of iceberg we have all seen, with a small peak poking out the top, but the bulk of it under the sea. Therefore, there is no way we have examined it fully before we enter into marriage. Our partner will be as oblivious to the finer details of its expectations as we are. Well… that is until the disappointments start to mount up.

Disappointment, in this light, cannot be viewed as a dirty word, because a disappointment provides the perfect conditions for asking the key question to uncover more about the job description we have created. What is the key question: why am I disappointed (angry, upset, disillusioned) with my partner right now?

Take this example: Husband and wife possess a property each. Husband and wife buy new property with the decision to sell their own properties. In addition, both parties agreed to wife cutting down hours at work to build business from home. They articulated this vision together. Wife sells her house quickly. Husband is unable to sell his because he has neglected to property manage his while it’s been leased. While an official property manager had been employed, husband had neglected to follow up on maintenance calls, ensure the property inspections were being done and failed to routinely check on the property, leaving it in an un-sellable condition.  The only option is to do minimal maintenance and re-let the property until there is enough cash flow to fix all things that need to be done before the property is sold. As a result, wife is unable to reduce hours at work, unable to begin own business and there is additional financial stress with the existing mortgage and a new, large mortgage. Wife is disappointed. Why? She thinks long and hard about this…

Wife assumed three major things about money and her husband before these events had taken place that lead her to be disappointed when this unfortunate situation arose. Her job was to uncover these instead of focussing on the unpleasant side effects (loss of money and short-term loss of business goals). Here are her beliefs:

• Husband was taking care of his property just as she was taking care of hers. He would have it ‘under control’
• It would feel emasculating to her husband if she were to ‘stick her nose in’ and ask questions about his property

And this is the doosey that really uncovers the job description she had written for her husband:

• Men are meant to take care of the finances.

In realizing she held this last belief, she admitted that she had been hoping to sell her property, and leave the rest of the financial planning and management to husband. To quote from wife: “I just want to worry about making things beautiful. I don’t want to have to worry about all that stuff. I got married so that I wouldn’t have to worry about it.”

It was through this process of reflection that wife was able to pinpoint the cause of her major disappointments instead of focus on the symptoms of the situation. Her disappointments didn’t lie in the financial losses (which were considerate) or having to stay at work as people might believe if she retold this story. No, she was upset that husband had proved incapable of one of her major job descriptions- at least for the time being.

Why didn’t they discuss this before marriage? I hear you asking. They had. At length. All decisions and planning were done together and she assumed he had the skills to see things through and to realize all the micro details that ensured the macro plan would work. He simply didn’t. And neither of them realized until this opportunity/disappointment reared its ugly but fruitful head.

It is only when confronted with situations we never knew we would face that we realize things about ourselves and others. Marriage is the ideal grounds for this to occur, as it happens regularly!

So what happened with husband and wife? Wife realized she had three options: fire the business partner and walk away; take over the financial planning herself; or use the experience to teach husband how to better manage things and to provide him with the opportunity to rectify his mistakes, miscalculations and mismanagement. She didn’t want to walk away. As managing the finances was something she was capable of but didn’t want to do for the rest of her life, she didn’t take control either. She chose option three, knowing that the financial losses might be greater, it may take longer, but husband would learn from the opportunity should he choose to take it. He did and with prompting, careful planning and discussion, rectified the problem in the short term while they built the funds to bring the property back to its original, saleable self.

 I asked wife, after this experience, to write a job description for husband based on what she had learned that she wanted or needed or expected in her last year of marriage that she never would have realized before marriage. Just the things that actually ‘being married’ has provided her with the opportunity to learn. Here is what she wrote, and you’ll notice I have added a ‘job description’ at the side of each one (imagine what writing to a selection criteria like this would be like!!):

1. Remembers/celebrates birthday (program planning skills)
2. Plans for occasional romantic gesture (program planning skills)
3. Helps with the cooking during the week- and remembers to include vegetables! (Program planning skills)
4. Can think of things and see things that need to be done before being told or asked (initiative and drive)
5. Manages finances- or at least his own finances and assets (experience effectively managing a budget and property)
6. Helps save money by looking for cheaper options, not just reaching for first item on the shelf (enterprising)
7. Creates change for his life where he knows he needs it instead of staying in a comfortable rut (initiative and drive)
8. Assisting with planning and creating fun activities or social events (initiative and drive)
9. Doesn’t leave things to me even though he knows I will think of it, manage it, or do it anyway (initiative and drive)

 

To be fair, I asked husband to do the same exercise. Here are his results (printed as written):

1 – Patience: employs patience in situations and when dealing with dickheads, including me.
2 – Forthright: knows when to ask for what she wants even to my detriment
3 – listens to what I’m saying when we fight – lets me clarify the issue and doesn’t get more upset when I say something stupid accidently – giving me the benefit of the doubt on what I mean, not what I’ve said.
4 – Does not resort to personal insults when arguing – argues the point in question, not the person
5 – is open and honest about how she feels and when, letting me know when I’ve done something good/bad
6 – Doesn’t worry so much, not all issues are big issues

The most amazing things result from doing an activity like this one. Not only are both people forced to reflect and uncover their own beliefs and expectations but this provides the opportunity to see that ‘disappointments’ are really the best way to communicate and improve the marriage. The couple above discussed their job descriptions and got into the minute detail about why certain words were chosen to help decipher meaning. Sometimes a description had to be re-written to most accurately reflect the intent behind it. The exercise helped them to reflect on their own expectations, learn about each others’ and have a good laugh while doing it.

A Few Tips:

• Even if your partner doesn’t want to do it, engaging in this activity can help you get really clear and articulate why you are disappointed. Being armed with this info will make you much clearer and less emotional when working with your partner to find a solution to an issue
• This can be done regularly. In fact every time a disappointment crops up is a great opportunity to review and add to your lists! You can even keep them on the fridge as a loving and gentle or joking reminder for each other!
• Stay as focussed as you can and get as clear as you can on the ‘bigger picture’ and try not to focus on symptoms of an action like loss of money. Dig deeper. Ask yourself: what do I believe about marriage or my partner or this situation to make this hurt so much?

You see, although my theory lacks fairy dust and sparkles, over time, it keeps the ‘sparkle’ alive because it encourages the calm examination of the bigger picture of a situation, the beliefs behind it, and tangible and reasonable steps that each partner can take to make situations better again. What’s better than that in a marriage? Except having your own real-life Fairy Godmother who could wave her magic wand and ensure that our marriages encountered no issues. However, we all know of one Fairy-God Mother who also believed in finding things out for ourselves... So maybe this is a fairytale after all!

Dorothy
Oh - will you help me? Can you help me?
Glinda
You don't need to be helped any longer. You've always had the power to go back to Kansas.
Dorothy
I have?
Scarecrow
Then why didn't you tell her before?
Glinda
Because she wouldn't have believed me. She had to learn it for herself.
Tin Man
What have you learned, Dorothy?
Dorothy
Well, I - I think that it - that it wasn't enough just to want to see Uncle Henry and Auntie Em. And that it's
that - if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own backyard,
because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with. Is that right?
Glinda
That's all it is!
Scarecrow
But that's so easy! I should have thought of it for you.
Tin Man
I should have felt it in my heart.
Glinda
No. She had to find it out for herself. Now those magic slippers will take you home in two seconds!
Dorothy
Oh! Toto, too?
Glinda
Toto, too.